Fighting hard

Well I thought things were on the up..
My local hospital has two oncologists. One has left recently and they have not yet employed someone. So there is one Dr doing the job of two. So I got a letter yesterday saying all appointments in clinic have been cancelled. They are not doing any follow up appointments at the moment. The priority will be women who are under going treatment. Well this totally threw me. I now do not know when I will be getting the results from my scan. This is agonising..its bad enough waiting but when you now don't have an appointment it feels even worse. I have spoken to various people including the consultants secretary but have had no luck. I have been told that when the results appear on the system an appointment MAY be made for me but this depends on the results and if a relevant qualified member of staff is available to speak to me. The only thing I can do is ring the hospital every single day until the results appear. This waiting and fighting is both emotionally and physically draining, it wears me down till I feel exhausted. Its so hard to keep fighting all the time.

TOBY

I am enjoying being an auntie again. My nephew Toby is wonderful and I am getting lots of cuddles. Its lovely to have a baby in the family again. It was hard for me to begin with as cancer has taken away my chance to have any more children which was difficult to deal with.I've now gone in to menopause which I am finding hard to cope with as we would have loved another child. I admit that I wasn't too nice to my sister when she announced her pregnancy as I felt upset and to be truthful very jealous but now Toby is here I love him to bits.I've now decided that I am going to be the best auntie in the world!. (Think Amber agrees already!!)

Concert/Surprise Party

On Saturday We did another concert singing our 1940's programme. It went very well. I had to get a new dress as I accidently bleached my other one. The audience were really good and joined in with the singing. Here is a picture of all of us
The day of the concert was also Gordons birthday. My family came over for breakfast which was lovely..definately a tradition to keep up!
After the concert..although he didn't know I had arranged a surprise birthday party for Gordon. It was so hard keeping it a secret -I had to arrange all the food and make sure people were invited. Gordon just thought we were going for after concert drinks. His face was a picture as we walked into Caroline and Tims house and everyone shouted 'Happy Birthday'. He was really touched as noone had every done that for him before.It was a lovely surprise and a wonderful end to a great day. Thanks to Tim and Caroline for helping me organise the party and to Gordon, My lovely hubby -I love you so much

Scan

Last Friday I had my latest CT Scan. Usual nightmare. Last time I went for a scan i got told off for not mentioning that I had bad veins. So this time I made sure I did. I was thanked for mentioning the subject by the nurse. Three quarters of an hour and no hot water arrived. Got called in for the injection and then got told off about veins as usual. Well I got really cross and told the supervisor that i HAD mentioned about my veins WHEN i arrived but nothing was done. I hate CT scans they are so horrible. I get the results in a week and a half so watch this space!

I'm an Auntie again!

My lovely sister Angela gave birth to a boy yesterday at 3.41 am. His name is Toby James and he weighed 9lb 9oz. He is totally gorgeous and I have had loads of cuddles
Congratulations and lots of love to Angela, Gareth, Amber (who is a lovely big sister) and Toby from the three Suttons xxxxxxxxxxx

Rock bottom again....

I haven't posted for a while
I've also not been on any of the cancer websites that I normally haunt
One reason is that..well I have had lots of things going on. I have been singing in concerts to raise money for local charities based on a 1940's theme.Christopher turned 9 and we had a wonderful day out at the local hawk conservancy. All the children loved it and had a great time. Unfortunately I over did it and spent most of the following week in bed. I hate so much not being able to do the things I want to do. I also hate it so much that when I DO DO the things that I want to do I end up spending over a week to recover. Well it all built up and I hit rock bottom...lots of tears. With the help of my gp, nurse, family I am slowly building myself up again but it seems harder and harder everytime. Sometimes I think ..whats the point of trying as everytime it gets harder. I have a scan coming up which is preying on my mind and I am finally going to see a counseller. I feel so angry and bitter inside which I hate. At times it is sooo hard to fight these feelings. I don't want to give up on life but wish it could be easier...more importantly I cant understand...why me?..why did I have to get cancer.
On that note I will finish with a picture of Christopher on his birthday treat...it was a wonderful day and he loved every minute of it. I have also posted a picture of some of the operatic society in our 1940's costumes that we are wearing for our concerts. Our operatic society feels that it is very important to give something back to the local community so we do this by performing in concerts to raise money for local charities. This year has a 1940's theme and for the first time I am singing two solos plus a duet with Gordon. Last night was our first one and it was a huge success. Looking forward to the next one on July 4th!

my garden

I thought that you might like to see pictures of our veg plot. Its doing very well..things are begining to 'sprout' up. Gordon has been re discovering his creative side. He has made a second compost heap, did the fencing all around the veg plot, built the a frames and then last weekend the two of us worked together to make a den for Chris.Chris loves his den and all we need is some nice weather for him to play in it...Oh well at least the rain makes the plants grow!!. Chris has been doing well recently so fingers crossed. For the last two weeks he has been like the happy boy we used to have as our son. Before cancer

Run for fun

Christopher and Gordon did the Basingstoke Mens Run for Fun on Wednesday. It was to raise money for Cancer Research. I am so proud of both my guys...they ran 3 miles in 33 minutes. When they crossed the start line I couldn't stop crying with emotion. I was so proud to see them finish together hand in hand.
Here are a few pictures of my two guys after the race....so proud of you both and love you very very much

Garden etc

Well the garden is looking well...Lots of green shoots peeping up which is very exciting!!. I have to keep taking my book out as when I am weeding I am not sure if I am pulling up a weed or a veg...its all new to me!
Its May Bank holiday so a 3 day weekend. Yesterday we went to Mum and Dads for a BBQ. My sister and family were there as was my grand dad so it was a lovely family day.Amber and Chris get so excited when they are playing together
Today the three of us walked to the shops and then me and Gordon have been working in the garden again. Chris is out playing somewhere with a group of friends...he pops back when he gets hungry!!. Its nice that its so safe around here that he can do that.
Its been a sad time this past week. A friend of mine from the forums died this week. Kate was a wonderful friend...i was following her blog which is linked to mine. Kate defied the odds over and over again but in the end lost her stuggle against cancer.
We had a lot in common...she had a son the same age as Chris so we often compared notes. Kate I miss your advice, humour and support so much. I will be thinking of you and your family on Thursday. Hoping to get to the funeral but if not I will be remembering.
Chris is doing ok...the beginnning of the week was awful though. In the end we sat him down and talked about how horrible he was being to us..mostly me.We have also restricted his priviledges to certain stuff Since then he hasn't been perfect BUT a lot nicer to be around...He is trying very hard as are we. He wants to try and take up a martial art which I think will be good for him so am looking into that. Anything that can absorb his excess energy and help him work off his frustrations and anger would be a good thing

Planting a garden

I am a bit sad as its the end of the Easter Holidays. I shall miss Chris when he goes back to school. This Easter holidays have gone so quickly.
Today we planted up our vegetable garden and it looks wonderful. We planted the following:
Potatoes (Rooster)
Mixed Salad
Swede
Spinach Beet
Turnip
little gem lettuce
Onions (normal and spring)
Spinach
Carrots
Tom thumb lettuce
Garlic
Strawberries
Pea
Rhubarb
Broad Beans
Purple sprouting broccolli
Runner beans
Tomatoes
Butternut squash
Courgettes
Pumpkin

I have also got pots of herbs (rosemary /chives / parsley / coriander / thyme / mint growing wonderfully well. Still in the consevatory I have peppers, chillis and two lemon trees
Some where grown from seed in our conservatory and some we have sown from seed. We edged all the beds with straw which should mulch down eventually
Once again I am so greatful to Gordon -he did most of the planting as I couldn't do much bending. He also did the majority of the heavy digging
I am very proud of our veg plot and am hoping we get a bumper harvest!!

Update -Isle of Wight and more...

I am so sorry that I haven't posted recently.What with dealing with not having our lovely little chloe around and being away on holiday, I have not had the heart to post much
We got Chloes ashes back from the crematorium and have buried her in the garden with a rhododendrum on top called 'black magic'. Chloe was black and always magic so it seemed appropriate.
We have had wonderful easter holidays. We went to the Isle of Wight with my mum, dad, sister, brother in law and neice. We rented a wonderful house in Bembridge which is near Ryde. The house was great..totally brand new. Chris enjoyed sharing a bedroom with Amber and I could hear lots of giggles when they were supposed to be asleep. So here is a potted history of what we did
Good Friday: Arrived at the house..unpacked
Easter Saturday..went food shopping and then spent the rest of the day on Bembridge beach. Finished the day by going to a local restaurant.
Easter Sunday... Started with an Easter egg hunt in the garden and then Chris cooked scrambled egg. We then spent the day at Amazon world looking at lots of animals. Came back and had a lovely roast dinner with meat from the Bembridge Butcher
Monday We went to Sandown for the day. First we went into the dinosaur museum which Christopher loved. We then spent time on Sandown beach. We also went on the pier and walked around the town. Dinner was fish and chips back in Bembridge
Tuesday. Today we went to Black gang Chine. Fantastic theme park with something for everyone. Wonderful day out
wednesday We went swimming in Ryde. After that we spent the day on Ryde beach. We had a cream tea. For dinner we came back to Bembridge and went to the local chinese restaurant. Everything was freshly cooked..delicious
Thursday - last day. We had breakfast in a local cafe and then walked to Bembridge beach. Once packing was finished we went to Shanklin. We wandered round the shops and then we went to an italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal.
Friday - we had breakfast out in Bembridge and then took the ferry home
The weather was really good all week so we spent most of the time on the beach which the children loved.
Now back to a moutain of laundry!! I am hoping also to get the garden planted with all my vegetable plants which have thrived whilst i was away (Thanks Keith for watering)
It seems that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to get us to start having these family holidays together..this is our third one now. I have enjoyed this week more than I can say and hope that there will be many more to come in the future
xxxx

Some sad news

I am very sad to say that today we have had to put our lovely dog Chloe to sleep. She was 17 yrs old and had been with her since she was 4. She had gone downhill quite fast recently and was obviously suffering. The vet said she also had the start of liver failure so we decided very sadly that the kindest thing to do was to put her to sleep
Have shed lots of tears with Gordon and Chris...Chloe was part of our family and we shall miss her so much.

Things are not so good...Still having problems with Chris and I am also very low and depressed as well. I am so looking forward to the Easter Holidays.

Will post more when my spirits are higher

Christopher

Sorry for not posting recently but things went down hill with Christopher after my last post. I went to school on the thursday to collect him to find him crying in the corridor. Saw the teacher and found out that Christopher had kicked him. Felt awful and that we were failing him as parents. I went in the next day and saw his class teacher who told me that his behaviour in class had also got worse. He's been bursting into tears and getting stressed over simple things. Me and Gordon didn't know what to think or say
He has never had counselling or emotional support at school. Every time something changes with me I go in and update them but they have never ever bothered to talk to him. But surprise surprise..this week after he had kicked the music teacher he was called out of lessons to talk about his ''problems''. We are not happy about this as calling it this seems to us that he is being labelled as a troublemaker.
I have managed to talk to Chris on a one to one basis to find out why he was behaving like this. The reason behind it all was that he had seen the house being adapted with rails etc and thought I had got worse and I had not told him. He had been worrying so much that i had deteriorated. I couldn't believe it...such a simple thing but so important to him. He said 'mum are you going to die?'..well everyone dies one day. We talked about my condition and I said that I was doing all the right things by taking medicine and that the Dr was pleased with me. Poor lad, he was worrying so much about me. Talking has helped as this week he has been behaving so much better so fingers crossed. I have asked him to talk to me when things are bothering him and not to bottle it up inside..I hope he does.
Had a wonderful mothers day. We went to a hotel for lunch with Mum and Dad,my grandad, my sister, brother in law and my neice. Food was lovely and I had a bottle of prosecco all to myself. There was a childrens entertainer which the kids loved and it ment the sdults could enjoy their food and relax. I got flowers from my parents, flowers from Chris and a lovely mirror for my dressing table. ALso two cards hand made by Chris filled with lots of love. Its been a lovely day.

Falling asleep/Always check who is behind you!!

Can't believe how tired I am today. Fell asleep when I got back from the school run, and then again at the hospice and then AGAIN when I got back from school. The third time I think that I would have slept all evening if it had not been for Christopher shaking me and telling me he was hungry.
Had to have words with one of his teachers today as the teacher was really picking on Chris and calling him names. Note to teacher -do NOT bad mouth my son! And always check behind you before you insult someone. The look of shock on his face as he turned round and saw me after he insulted Chris was priceless. I am surprised that Chris wanted to continue with the school club but he was prepared to give it another go. He tries really hard at running -its not his fault that he is not as fast as the boys. Very proud of him.
Managed to get some gardening done between the rain. Got to spread compost etc over the vegetable plot and then it will be ready for planting seeds. Gordon built a fence around it so Chloe wouldn't walk over it -shes driving me mad walking mud into the house. Just got to also move the compost heap and get an outside bin. Am really enjoying doing this with Gordon as its something we can both do together

Veg Plot

Gordon and Keith painted my bedroom which looks wonderful. I also managed to get down to Ikea to buy some lovely accessories. The room is now a true sanctuary to me and I feel really chilled out when I am in it. I also bought an armchair to put in it so that visitors have somewhere to sit when they come to see me.
Usual busy week -I went into the infant school twice to get some idea of what the work will be like and I start officially on Wednesday. Looking forward to it.
Friday I went out to dinner with some friends from BAOS (Operatic society). We went out to remember our friend Carol who died suddenly last month. A few tears were shed as well as lots of alchohol!. On Saturday I went to Sing a Long a Hairspray with my neighbour Judith. We had a great time. We dressed up -I wore a full circle net petticoat, a navy skirt, navy checked blouse, pink cardy, pink scarf and headband. We laughed at Judith's daughter and her friend who had used toilet rolls to make their hair go into a bee hive. It was a great night -we were singing and dancing all evening. I was disappointed though that not many people dressed up -where were their sense of fun?
Have had a busy weekend in the garden. Last year we had a small vegetable plot and had quite a successful harvest. So this year we have decided to make a bigger plot -its now about 8 times the size of our original plot.Unfortunately the bad weather stopped us today from doing much so hoping for some nice days in the week so that I can get some more work done on the plot ready for planting. I am so grateful to Gordon who did most of the hard work doing the digging. He takes my dreams and makes them into reality

Creating a sanctuary

Recently due to the fact that tire so easily and that some days suffer quite badly from pain. I have noticed a deterioration in my health since last September especially with regard to energy levels. By 8pm I am often to be found tucked up in bed as its were I am at my most comfortable. I also feel that this is a room that I will be spending more and more time over the next few years so it has become important to me to make it nice and be a place where people can visit me when I am unable to get out of bed..or even when I am just too tired and want company.
We don't have too much money so need to use what furniture I have and in time slowly replace them. ALso trying to cut down on clutter and just have the things that mean the most to me... Christophers stories, candles, my favourite books, my jewelry.
We went out today and bought the paint to get started hopefully tomorrow. I couldn't afford to replace my curtains as they are very expensive so have taken the colour schemes from them. They are cream red and olive. SO we have decided to paint one wall as a feature wall in 'overtly olive'. The rest of the walls will be daffodil white. Gordon bought me a wonderful candlelabra for the bedroom which is so gorgous.I am really looking forward to see it all done and create a 'true sanctuary' for me. I hope to post photos once its finished. Going to sign off now as I am falling asleep.

A new Job and a Party

Its been a busy week. I'm trying to spread the housework tasks across the week so I don't get too tired during the day.
I am excited that I have managed to get a job. My friend works as a dinner lady at the local infant school. She's just got a new job and asked me if I wanted to work the two days that she cannot do -Wednesdays and Fridays. Just one hour on the those days. This will be lovely and just enough. Unlike my previous attempt at doing this I will be contracted to do just those two days. It means i get to work with children again which is something i love. One day I will be working with a downs syndrome boy who I will need to communicate with in sign language which will be a challenge. The other day I will be working with Yr 1. I am so looking forward to it
Am having a fantastic weekend. Thursday I went to see Thriller Live with my friends at the Mayflower in Southampton. It was good especially when they sung the Michael Jackson songs that I know like Thriller, Billie Jean and Bad.
Last night we went to a fantastic party. My neighbour (and one of my best friends) had her 50th Birthday. She hired a hall and It was fantastic -a whole evening of great music, lots of drink and fun. Our group had the dance floor totally staked out for us. DJ was great and played all the great numbers from the 70's and 80's. We didn't want to go home. Judith is a great friend so I bought her a day out at windsor castle with a cream tea. She was thrilled and to my surprise has asked me to come with her for the day
Tonight we went out for dinner with my mum, dad, my sister and my niece. It was a really nice evening catching up as we had not seen each other for the past week. Really enjoyed the whole evening espcially seeing Amber and Christopher sharing a massive dessert.

End of Half Term

Chris was off school for an inset day today. We have had a lovely time together over half term last week. We've been to the cinema (three times!), to Birdworld and also to a Farm Park with Friends. Been good to go out with friends as it means someone is there to look after Chris if I had to sit down and rest. Its been lovely to spend time with Christopher. Although only 8 he looks after me so well and takes such good care of me. I feel proud but sad about this as I feel I have made him grow up quicker than normally. He knows that I cannot do as much as I used to and that i need to rest at times but we find other things to do that don't involve standing too much.
Today I went to the hospice for some complementary therapy. Having reflexology does me so much good. I can totally relax and switch off whilst having the treatment. I did manage to fall asleep only for the fire alarm to wake me up. It was only a test but felt quite groggy after it as i had fallen asleep quite heavily. When I got back home i picked up Christopher from my neighbours and me, Chris, My neighbour and her little boy walked across the field to have lunch at our local pub. A lovely end to a lovely week.
I shall miss my little man when he goes back to school. He's always got a happy smile or a thought to share to keep my spirits up and remind me how lucky I am to be his mum.

More show pictures

Show pics

The Show is over

Again apologies for not posting much but all my time has and was taken up with our Show. BAOS presented Gilbert and Sullivans'The Gondoliers'' from 10-14th February at the Haymarket theatre. I thoroughly enjoy performing - its one of my great joys. I love to sing especially music that challenges me as a performer. Both myself and Gordon were in the chorus for this one -it's good to have him around as he can keep an eye on me. The leadup to the show was so hectic -as Vice Chair there were numerous jobs that had to be done so was pretty tired before the show even started.
I must admit that I found Show week to be more exhausting that I have ever found it. Saturday in particular with two shows was the worst -I could hardly stand up after the matinee as I was so tired -but the show must go on!. Its made me think about whether I can perform in a big show. Its a difficult decision and one i will find very hard. We have got several concerts coming up as well so looking forward to them. Deep down I know I don't want to stop performing -cancer has taken away so much of my life that I don't want to loose anything else. I am clinging really to the last few remnants of a life that now seems like a dream. I cannot believe that I crammed so much into a life -these days it takes all of my energy and strength to get up, take Chris to school and back and cook dinner.There are times when I cannot even do that.
Social services are due to come round this week to adapt the house to my needs -this is mainly putting rails in all the places that I have difficulty with -stairs, bathrooms etc. They have also put a rail by my bed which is a god send and given me a stool for cooking and a bath seat. A year ago I would have fought tooth and nail and not let anything like this into my house but now I am more accepting of it. I need help to get around now so need to accept all these things to a/ remain in my house and b/ still be ''normal'' mummy for Chris. Its so important to him to see me in a good light. I feel so sad that cancer has made him grow up faster than I would have liked and realise how important to him it is to see me looking ok. I try and hide any pain or tiredness from him as he worrys about me too much. When i was poorly through chemo he found it so hard. Unfortunately the emotional help from his school just was not there and its only now -through things he drops into conversations that we realise how much my being ill affected him.
Thank good ness half term was straight after the show. Its now Wednesday and I am still completely shattered.So far this week we have done breakfast and cinema with my sister and my neice and lunch and cinema with my friends Jenny and Judith and their children. Enjoyed both days. Today is a lazy day-we have spent the morning watching Christophers baby video which brought back so many memories. Not sure what the rest of the week will hold but am trying to rest as much as I can before school restarts. I have never felt so tired as I do this week -pain not too bad but I keep nodding off to sleep everytime that I sit down. Hope I get over it soon!

Update

Sorry I have not posted for a while. Its been a very up and down time recently.
I am slowly coming to terms with the ''uncertainty'' of my scan results. I have spoken to the Hospice Dr and am trying to stay positive.
I met my new Macmillan nurse who is lovely. I was a bit nervous of going through my whole history with someone new but she put me at my ease and I think we are going to get on well. I think i went through a period of feeling very sorry for myself and am trying to move on with things
The occupational therapist came to see me at home. She was lovely and we basically reviewed the house together. I want to stay in our house as much as I can so we are looking at ways to adapt it to my needs. She has brough me a bath seat, cooking stool and a rail to help me in and out of bed.She is also going to arrange to have a seat put into my shower and rails on the stairs, by the front door and in both bathrooms. We are also looking at possibly getting a stair lift fitted.Everything will help.
I had devastating news last week. One of my close friends in the Operatic Society got rushed into hospital on the Tuesday with meningitis. Sadly she died only two days later. I was so upset -I had only spoken to her the day before so it was a huge shock. Carol was a wonderful person -warm, caring and always had a smile on her face. She was very supportive to me when I felt down and always had a joke or something funny to tell me which would always cheer me up. We worked very closely together on the executive committee and she was always willing to help out with anything that needed to be done. She always sat next to me at rehearsals and we would giggle our way through the evening. I shall miss her soo much. Both Gordon and myself went to her funeral last Friday and sung with the church choir. At times it was difficult to stop breaking down in tears but I tried really hard to sing for Carol. I am so sad she never got to perform in Gondoliers as she had a great love of Gilbert and Sullivan and was really looking forward to it. Carol - i will miss you so much but I know you will be smiling down on us xxx
Rehearsals for the show are going well -we have just one week till we opens. Its just a case of polishing bits and pieces, Learning the last bits of music and practising, practising, practising. We are all working very hard and hope that it will be a wonderful success.
I will try not to leave it too long before posting again!

Results

Well i have been to the Hospital today for the results of my scan
To be honest I don't know whether to be happy or not.
Scan shows still possible spread to chest and there is definately something there. The positive thing is that it is growing very slowly -only 1mm in three month so from 5mm to 6mm wide. Oncologist is very upbeat and positive and is going to monitor me every three months. She says she will not be worried until it gets bigger than 1cm which will then indicate an aggressive tumour.
So I am happy that I don't have to have any treatment for the time being but still feel like i am in limbo. I don't feel that I can move on but maybe it is just that I am feeling a little low. Gordon is over the moon and is so happy so why can't I be happy too?

ILL

Well i was right. On Friday afternoon I went downhill so quickly. Everything that I either ate or drank from lunch time onwards I threw up.Felt rotten. I eventually fell asleep at 9pm and went into a really deep sleep for an hour and a half till 10.30pm. I managed to eat a slice of toast and keep it down but then struggled to sleep for the rest of the night. I had taken a sleeping pill but threw it up so wasn't able to take another one as I wasn't sure how much of the dose I had absorbed. It seemed every hour i woke up and tossed and turned. Wasn't sick in the night thank goodness.
This morning i managed to keep down a boiled egg and some soup so hopefully the sickness part is over and done with. My throat though feels like broken glass and I have an awful cough. Not great timing as have a four hour rehearsal tomorrow with the Operatic society. We are very short on top sopranos so need to be in top form. Have been drinking lots and taking lemsips and strepsils so hopefully that will be enough. Also dosed myself up with a lovely meal of lamb, mashed potato and thick gravy followed by homemade jam roly poly with custard. I love that kind of food especially when it is cold outside. Am going to bed early hopefully to get a good nights sleep and that i will feel better tomorrow

my dog Chloe

Just wanted to post some pictures of my dog Chloe. She is 16 years old. She is a poodle/jack russell/corgi cross. We have had her since she was 4 years. We got her from a rescue centre. Unfortunately she was there because she had been treated badly by her previous owners. Its taken us many years of love and patience to gain her confidence. Shes an old lady now, shes slightly deaf, has cataracts in both eyes and is very arthritic. But despite all this she still bounds to see me when i get home and likes nothing more than following me round the house when i do my chores. She's a real madam -always wants her own way and no matter where we walk her she always knows her way home. She's gorgeous and these pictures show her on her new bed which she got for Christmas.

Tired and Scared

I think the title of this post says it all. I feel totally exhausted this week . I don't have the energy to do anything so spending most of the time wrapped in a blanket either lying in bed or on the sofa. Woke up this morning with a throat that felt like broken glass. Looks like I am going down with the bug that everyone else has had. Finding it hard to swallow and coughing lots. Its very icy outside so walking Christopher to and from school is a huge effort for me. I so am frightened of falling over and hurting my hip. I am stuggling with my pain control at the moment. It seems once again to be out of control and what i am taking doesn't seem to be as effective as it was before Christmas. I have taken some more oramorph this morning which has made me a bit drowsy so will go to bed for a while, whilst Chris is at school.
I seem to be very close to tears most of the time. I am being very irritable and I know that I am very hard to live with at the moment. I seem to be flying off the handle constantly and picking fights with Gordon on the silliest little things. I think its because deep down I am so scared that its going to be bad news next week. In fact I am convinced it will be. I am so greatful that he is always there for me no matter what. Also my Mum, Dad and Sister. You guys are my rocks and the wind beneath my wings xxx

Leaking like a seive

Yes thats right. My arm is offically a seive.
Usual nightmare Ct scan. Wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 4 hours before my scan. When I arrived a man in the waiting area was eating. It was awful, i was so hungry I wanted to rip the orange out of his hands and eat it. Managed to drink the disgusting barium liquid although it did make me quite queasy on an empty stomach
Had the usual problems finding a vein. After two attempts I insisted they bring a supervisor. By the time she came my arm was so cold. They filled a glove up with hot water and tried to warm my hand up. The supervisor took over and also had a go. Eventually she managed to find a vein in the back of my hand. Wow! blood went everywhere, all over the nurse and the floor. They flushed it several times to make sure it was ok and made me sit in the prep area rather than going back to the waiting room just in case it failed. I hate CT scans so much. You have to put your hands over your head. As i had my lymph nodes taken out of my left arm I find this really difficult and painful. So I had my left arm hurting from that and my right from the cannula. Then the flushing bit which always makes you feel like you have wet yourself. It feels so undignified as you really feel that you have. Eventually it was all over and done with and i was allowed take my multiple bandaged arm and go home to a much needed cup of tea. Now I have to wait till Thursday 15th for the results. I think its going to be a long long week.

Scared

Well its the night before my scan. I am really scared at what it may find. Before christmas it didn't seem to bother me too much as i had christmas to concentrate on. But now thats all over the enormity of it all has come crashing back down on me. I am not looking forward to it. Ct scans are horrid.Due to budget cuts they have reduced the flavours of the barium drink to really horrid ones. I know for a fact that it will take at least four attempts for the staff to find a vein to inject into. I know i will end up arguing with them as they will insist on using my ''cancer'' arm even though we both know they shouldn't. I also hate the ''flushing'' bit at the end of the scan which makes you feel that you have wet yourself (the first time i had one noone told me this would happen and I actually thought that I had)Just an hour and a half of getting upset and stressed
Then having to wait a week for results.Don't know why but keep thinking that its going to be bad news. My scans always are. Just will have to keep busy at all times.
I shall miss having Chris around -he's back to school tomorrow. I have really enjoyed spending time with him -he's growing up so fast and I am so proud of the way he helps me out with jobs and takes care of me.
Will report back when i get back from the hospital -wish me luck please!

Happy New Year

A happy New Year to all my family and friends. I hope 2009 will be the year when we get what we deserve. For me its another year that I have lived to see. Another year spent with my precious family. Another year still fighting and beating cancer.
My hopes now that christmas is over is to have good news next week when I go for my scan. I hope that node in my chest is just a blip and nothing serious. We've had a year of ''almost'' normal life so all I am asking is for this to continue. Its not too much to ask.
Had a lovely New Years Eve. We went to my sisters for the evening. I was driving so stuck to Soft drinks but that was ok. Had a great time chatting with friends and playing wii music (best game ever!!). Once we had seen the new year in my brother in law put a fireworks display in the garden. A wonderful evening
Missed most of New Years day as I slept in till 12.45!! was shocked!!
Having a lazy day now. Gordon has made some bucks fizz and we are going to have roast duck in a port sauce with dauphinoise potatoes followed by Christophers superb trifle..yum yum!!
Hope everyone else is having a good day!!!

Julie