Feeling better

Feeling better and much more positive today. Still got the cough and pain but somehow able to cope with it more. Must be the happy pills starting to work.
First day of the school holidays today! Wonderful hot weather.
Managed to cycle to the shops and back with Christopher (first time either of us have been able to do this) Christophers bike riding is really coming along. Hes desperate to ride his bike to school so maybe in September we will be able to ride together. I was a bit wobbly but managed to do it -got a very bruised bottom now though as the saddle on my bike is very hard! - ouch!
Then spent the rest of the morning on a sun lounger enjoying the sun.
My GP came to see me at home and we had a good chat. He thinks the cough is an Upper respiratory infection which will get better by itself. He also said to ring him next week if I havent had my appointment through for the bone scan and he will chase it up. Determined to get it sorted before i go on holiday.
In the afternoon my mum came over and we all went swimming. Christopher is swimming like a little fish now. He 's dipping and diving under water and really doing well. Very proud of him!
Mum stayed for dinner -we had gorgeous shrimp linguine.
In all a lovely day was had by all - hope the rest of the school holidays are as good as today has been

Secondary Cancer Support Group

Ever since I was diagnosed last year I have been asking and asking for Basingstoke Hospital to set up a support group for women who have secondary cancer. There is a very successful one for primary Breast cancer but it does not cater for us women who have secondaries as we want to talk about issues that women who have primary BC do not. Every time I mention the lack of support I am told 'what a great idea'
Well today saw the first meeting of Basingstoke's Secondary Breast cancer Support group! Hurray!. As usual I got myself all wound up and stressed out before going but plucked up my courage and went along. It wasnt quite what I had expected - only two patients attended along with two BC Nurses. Very intensive and full on questioning so left it feeling very drained and tired. I also feel relieved as its so good to talk to other people who are facing the same issues as I am. We talked about our families and friends, their reactions and also facing the future (or lack off). We even compared funeral plans! (yes I have written mine). The nurses are hopeful that more women will come along (some were on holiday)and say that this group will be whatever we want it to be. So I am now raising a large glass of wine and saying 'cheers' and 'best wishes' to the success of Basingstokes Secondary support group. Long may I be around to use it!

What do I do now?

Well I spent a very long and tiring day at the hospital yesterday. First appointment was in the Lymphodema clinic. Good news there is that the lymphodema in my arm has decreased. We discussed ordering compression bras to help with the lymphodema in my breast as thats still the same. I then dashed into town to get Christophers school uniform. As usual the shop was sold out of most things so hopefully they will come in before I go on holiday (you'd think they would anticipate mums coming in and have plenty of stock!!)

Then back to see the consultant. She was running an hour late so sat and waited and waited. Finally got seen. I explained about the pain in my ribs and how bad it was. She said the best thing would be to go off for more xrays. So went and had those done -had xrays taken of my hip and ribs. Then went back to be seen again by the consultant. Xrays are all clear. Good news is that my hip was not damaged in any way by the fall downstairs at Mirjanas and that it has not deteriorated since February. Ribs also clear. She said she would arrange for me to have a bone scan to check further so I am hoping that the appointment will come through before we go away on holiday.
So yes its really good news that the xrays are clear but still no explanation as to why i am in so much pain. It really hurts to breathe and I can't lie on my side at all. My cough has got worse -i spent most of last night awake coughing. Also kept Gordon awake as well but as usual he's been so good. My BC Nurse is starting a new secondary cancer group tomorrow. I was looking forward to going but dont feel well enough to go. I'll have to start that in September. My Macmillan nurse thinks that I have a chest infection so am seeing the Doctor on Thursday.
Thank goodness its the last day of term tomorrow. Really looking forward to Christopher being off school and spending time with him. Also only 21 sleeps till we go on holiday. We are all looking forward to getting away from stress and pressure.

Feeling rough

Feeling very rough today. I decided to take one of my new sleeping tablets last night. Nurse warned me it might make me feel rough and biy was she right. Feeling very queasy and not quite with it. Could really do with going back to bed for the rest of the afternoon and sleeping. Got to go to a BBQ at mum and dads this afternoon as they have friends staying the weekend. Still very nervous about meeting people and going out all but nurse says this is a symptom of depression and will pass eventually. Sky is clouding over and it looks like rain -just hope it holds off until we have eaten.

Update

Well its been a long and tough week for me. Lots of ups and downs. A relief was that my bloods have come back normal so I am not aneamic. Nor is the calcium level in my blood high. So I am still no closer to finding out why i have this rib pain. Went back to see my own GP on Wednesday. He examined me. When he touched the place where i have the pain i nearly fell off the couch!. We have decided that the next step is to have a chest Xray so I spent most of Wednesday sat in x-ray. He also signed me off sick till the end of term which is a relief. A cheer up was Wednesday evening when I went to the cinema to see Mamma mia. There is a group of 6 of us who all have kids in the same year at school and we try and make the effort to go out once a month to cinema /restauarants/theatre -whatever takes our fancy!. We are all off to Spain at the end of September for a girls weekend and I can't wait!. We downed two jugs of Pimms in Lloyds and then went to the film. It was FANTASTIC -we all were singing away!
Chris, MyMacmillan nurse has been helping and supporting me. Shes also come up trumps and has got me an appointment with the consultant on Monday morning so thats another step forward!. I have also got an appointment with the lymphodema nurse on Monday which is good as its been quite bad.
Term is slowly coming to a close for Christopher. Today we had his sports day. It drizzled slightly but didn't stop all the kids having fun. Unfortunately no chairs were provided for the adults so my hip is really aching badly from having to stand for so long. This is something else i will need to talk to the consultant as the pain is definately worsening.
So I am ending this week definately more positive than the week before.Looking forward to a weekend of lots of sleep and rest. Am hoping to get to the Garden centre, visit my grandad and then we are going to Mum and Dads for a BBQ on Sunday.
Chris has only got three days more of school and then looking forward to a summer of fun! -Just wish the weather would clear up

The Visit to the Doctors

Went to the Doctors this morning. I nearly changed my mind when I got there. Doctor was running 3/4 hour late and why oh why does the old man with the dodgy bowels always come and sit by me. I kept staring at the floor but no use. I had to sit and hear all about it including intimate details of his bowel movement at 4.15am this morning. Finally got to see the Doctor. Broke down and started crying as soon as I got in there so luckily Chris (macmillan nurse) had spoken to her and briefed her. She examined me especially where the pain is under my breast and checked my chest which is ok. She has given me different sleeping tablets to try as the ones I am currently on make me feel really sick in the morning. I am also going to start anti depressants again and see if they can give me the boost I am desperately needing. She took blood AND managed to get it first time. This is very unsual. My veins in my right arm are so bad it normally takes 4-5 attempts to get the blood. Got to wait now till Tuesday for the results. Depending on th results I may/may not be sent for a bone scan. There are still a few issues that i have to try and sort out. Pain control is one -i am very concerned about the high level of pain killing drugs that I am having to take. I am taking three different things for pain now so not happy about that. Also the lymphodema in my breast is causing me concern. I am supposed to do exercises to help this but the area around my scar is very painful so finding these hard to do.
Chris said she will still get me an appointment with the consultant and shes coming to see me again on Monday. Then on Wednesday I am going back to see the Doctor. Not going back to work till at least Thursday. The main request from both Chris and Doctor is that I have to rest. No running around/chores / nothing. Hopefully doing this ( I am sure it will drive me mad!!!) and some good nights sleep will start me back on the upward climb to being able to cope and deal with the whole situation.
Going to see Prince Caspian tonight with Gordon and Christopher. Then its the Big Brother eviction!!! Looking forward to those. Then a lazy weekend planned at home. Gordon may have to tie me to a chair to stop me doing things (lol) but will do my best to take it easy.

Tiredness

Have spent most of today sleeping. Gordon phoned work and said I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. Was hoping to get to the Doctors today but Chris had no luck getting me an appointment. Going tomorrow. Seeing a new Doctor as mine is on holiday so I am not looking forward to that. I just hope that Chris has the chance to chat to the Doctor to update her before I get there. Feeling very drained and tired. I went to bed after lunch and slept till Chris came home from school. Feel even more tired for doing that so not sure if it was the best thing. I think thats the major problem pulling me down is that I am so exhausted. It doesnt matter how much sleep I have in fact the more I have the worse I feel. Hoping to get a reason for the pain tomorrow and to talk to the Doctor about going back on the happy pills. I know I am not coping with everything and need a boost of something.

So Low

Things have been hard for me lately and I have found myself struggling to do even the simplest tasks. Am in a lot of pain from when i fell down the stairs in Holland. I also have a pain in my ribs which is being investigated. I find myself in tears over the silliest little thing. I am not sleeping and am totally exhausted. I used to feel so angry over the unfairness of my whole situation. Now I just feel so scared and frightened. I am not going to pretend - sometimes it would be so easy to empty my bottle of sleeping pills and then it would be over - thats how low i have got. But then I think how unfair that would be to Gordon who is, and always has been my rock. He really is a husband in a million -i could not have got through this past year without him. He constantly reminds me of our marriage vows 'in sickness and in health'. I am so lucky to have him by my side. Also Christopher. I owe it to him to keep going as at only 8 he needs his mummy so much. Hes grown up so much this past year and become so much more independent. I took what was left of my courage and got my Macmillan nurse Chris to come round and talk to me. Between us we have drawn up a plan to sort out my tiredness. She is also going to get me an appointment to see my GP and my consultant to find out what this pain in my ribs is. Both Chris and Anne (my BCN)have been really positive about what this pain could be. Its so hard to live like this though -every pain or ache I automatically think its a spread and then panic. Chris is going to call me tomorrow. I think its time to go back on my happy pills to try and give myself some support and to provide the tools so that i can start coping again. I don't think I will ever be able to accept the fact that I have this terminal disease but I guess I have to TRY and learn to live with it. I am not a quitter so hope all of the above will hopfully get me back on track

Fantastic school resport

Understandably Chris has had quite a few problems in school this past year due to my illness. Was therefore thrilled to get his school report recently which is outstanding. He is really doing well and we are so proud of him.

Hello

Well this is my first post. A very dear friend of mine recommended I try doing this. I hope that it will be helpful not just for me but for my friends and family who I know are having a hard time dealing with this whole c****y situation. I hope it will be theraputic for me and also keep everyone updated with situation. I want to start by Thanking a few people for their help this past year. Obviously Gordon and Chris who I love very much, My Mum and Dad (but especially Mum) for coming over and helping me out with chores and housework. My friends Caroline and Jenny for keeping my freezer stocked with food. My friends and neighbours Judith and Marcel for looking after Chris and taking him to school. Also thanks to Andie for encouraging me to blog! To everyone else not mentioned as there are a lot of you i post this poem which says what I often struggle to find the words to say

As I Look Back
Author Unknown
As I look back on my life
I find myself wondering.............
Did I remember to thank you
For all that you've done for me?
For all of the times you were by my side to help
me celebrate my successes and accept my defeats?
Or for teaching me the value of hard work, good judgement, courage and honesty?
I wonder if I thanked you for the simplest things..............
The laughter, smiles and quiet times we've shared?
If I've forgotten to express my gratitude for any of these things,
I am thanking you now
and I'm hoping that you've known all along how much you are loved and appreciated.

Love you all xxxxx