Results

Well i have been to the Hospital today for the results of my scan
To be honest I don't know whether to be happy or not.
Scan shows still possible spread to chest and there is definately something there. The positive thing is that it is growing very slowly -only 1mm in three month so from 5mm to 6mm wide. Oncologist is very upbeat and positive and is going to monitor me every three months. She says she will not be worried until it gets bigger than 1cm which will then indicate an aggressive tumour.
So I am happy that I don't have to have any treatment for the time being but still feel like i am in limbo. I don't feel that I can move on but maybe it is just that I am feeling a little low. Gordon is over the moon and is so happy so why can't I be happy too?

ILL

Well i was right. On Friday afternoon I went downhill so quickly. Everything that I either ate or drank from lunch time onwards I threw up.Felt rotten. I eventually fell asleep at 9pm and went into a really deep sleep for an hour and a half till 10.30pm. I managed to eat a slice of toast and keep it down but then struggled to sleep for the rest of the night. I had taken a sleeping pill but threw it up so wasn't able to take another one as I wasn't sure how much of the dose I had absorbed. It seemed every hour i woke up and tossed and turned. Wasn't sick in the night thank goodness.
This morning i managed to keep down a boiled egg and some soup so hopefully the sickness part is over and done with. My throat though feels like broken glass and I have an awful cough. Not great timing as have a four hour rehearsal tomorrow with the Operatic society. We are very short on top sopranos so need to be in top form. Have been drinking lots and taking lemsips and strepsils so hopefully that will be enough. Also dosed myself up with a lovely meal of lamb, mashed potato and thick gravy followed by homemade jam roly poly with custard. I love that kind of food especially when it is cold outside. Am going to bed early hopefully to get a good nights sleep and that i will feel better tomorrow

my dog Chloe

Just wanted to post some pictures of my dog Chloe. She is 16 years old. She is a poodle/jack russell/corgi cross. We have had her since she was 4 years. We got her from a rescue centre. Unfortunately she was there because she had been treated badly by her previous owners. Its taken us many years of love and patience to gain her confidence. Shes an old lady now, shes slightly deaf, has cataracts in both eyes and is very arthritic. But despite all this she still bounds to see me when i get home and likes nothing more than following me round the house when i do my chores. She's a real madam -always wants her own way and no matter where we walk her she always knows her way home. She's gorgeous and these pictures show her on her new bed which she got for Christmas.

Tired and Scared

I think the title of this post says it all. I feel totally exhausted this week . I don't have the energy to do anything so spending most of the time wrapped in a blanket either lying in bed or on the sofa. Woke up this morning with a throat that felt like broken glass. Looks like I am going down with the bug that everyone else has had. Finding it hard to swallow and coughing lots. Its very icy outside so walking Christopher to and from school is a huge effort for me. I so am frightened of falling over and hurting my hip. I am stuggling with my pain control at the moment. It seems once again to be out of control and what i am taking doesn't seem to be as effective as it was before Christmas. I have taken some more oramorph this morning which has made me a bit drowsy so will go to bed for a while, whilst Chris is at school.
I seem to be very close to tears most of the time. I am being very irritable and I know that I am very hard to live with at the moment. I seem to be flying off the handle constantly and picking fights with Gordon on the silliest little things. I think its because deep down I am so scared that its going to be bad news next week. In fact I am convinced it will be. I am so greatful that he is always there for me no matter what. Also my Mum, Dad and Sister. You guys are my rocks and the wind beneath my wings xxx

Leaking like a seive

Yes thats right. My arm is offically a seive.
Usual nightmare Ct scan. Wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 4 hours before my scan. When I arrived a man in the waiting area was eating. It was awful, i was so hungry I wanted to rip the orange out of his hands and eat it. Managed to drink the disgusting barium liquid although it did make me quite queasy on an empty stomach
Had the usual problems finding a vein. After two attempts I insisted they bring a supervisor. By the time she came my arm was so cold. They filled a glove up with hot water and tried to warm my hand up. The supervisor took over and also had a go. Eventually she managed to find a vein in the back of my hand. Wow! blood went everywhere, all over the nurse and the floor. They flushed it several times to make sure it was ok and made me sit in the prep area rather than going back to the waiting room just in case it failed. I hate CT scans so much. You have to put your hands over your head. As i had my lymph nodes taken out of my left arm I find this really difficult and painful. So I had my left arm hurting from that and my right from the cannula. Then the flushing bit which always makes you feel like you have wet yourself. It feels so undignified as you really feel that you have. Eventually it was all over and done with and i was allowed take my multiple bandaged arm and go home to a much needed cup of tea. Now I have to wait till Thursday 15th for the results. I think its going to be a long long week.

Scared

Well its the night before my scan. I am really scared at what it may find. Before christmas it didn't seem to bother me too much as i had christmas to concentrate on. But now thats all over the enormity of it all has come crashing back down on me. I am not looking forward to it. Ct scans are horrid.Due to budget cuts they have reduced the flavours of the barium drink to really horrid ones. I know for a fact that it will take at least four attempts for the staff to find a vein to inject into. I know i will end up arguing with them as they will insist on using my ''cancer'' arm even though we both know they shouldn't. I also hate the ''flushing'' bit at the end of the scan which makes you feel that you have wet yourself (the first time i had one noone told me this would happen and I actually thought that I had)Just an hour and a half of getting upset and stressed
Then having to wait a week for results.Don't know why but keep thinking that its going to be bad news. My scans always are. Just will have to keep busy at all times.
I shall miss having Chris around -he's back to school tomorrow. I have really enjoyed spending time with him -he's growing up so fast and I am so proud of the way he helps me out with jobs and takes care of me.
Will report back when i get back from the hospital -wish me luck please!

Happy New Year

A happy New Year to all my family and friends. I hope 2009 will be the year when we get what we deserve. For me its another year that I have lived to see. Another year spent with my precious family. Another year still fighting and beating cancer.
My hopes now that christmas is over is to have good news next week when I go for my scan. I hope that node in my chest is just a blip and nothing serious. We've had a year of ''almost'' normal life so all I am asking is for this to continue. Its not too much to ask.
Had a lovely New Years Eve. We went to my sisters for the evening. I was driving so stuck to Soft drinks but that was ok. Had a great time chatting with friends and playing wii music (best game ever!!). Once we had seen the new year in my brother in law put a fireworks display in the garden. A wonderful evening
Missed most of New Years day as I slept in till 12.45!! was shocked!!
Having a lazy day now. Gordon has made some bucks fizz and we are going to have roast duck in a port sauce with dauphinoise potatoes followed by Christophers superb trifle..yum yum!!
Hope everyone else is having a good day!!!

Julie