We had a wonderful Christmas -was a bit like the feeding of the 5,000 at times as we seem to have had open house almost constantly since Christmas day. Got some wonderful presents and we all had a wonderful day. There wan't really day when we didn't have 7 or more people sitting round our table and I loved it. It felt like old times before all the gloom and depression started. It caught up with me yesterday though so ended up spending the day on my bed. It was as if once Christmas had passed the thought was ''what was all the fuss about and why did I get so stressed out about it?
And so to New Years Eve at last. When I look back on 2008 there were certainly some highs and lows but comparing it to 2007 definately more highs than lows. The fact that i wasnt having any treatment certainly helped and that I was in a better physical condition to cope with stuff. Could it be true? Have i finally reached the plateau on which I have been striving for? Am I starting to learn how to ''live with cancer'' I have certainly been a lot calmer recently and learning to live one day at a time. I am trying to stop feeling that I always have to be perfect. For example it doesnt matter if I take a bought pudding to a party. If it enables me to rest rather than tire myself out making something that is surely a good thing.One thing that I have learned is the value of friends and family. That just because I have cancer it doesn't make me less likeable or lovable. I am still the same person who likes having fun. And so I resolve for this coming year -whatever happens, good or bad to live one day at a time -the journey maybe a rocky one but I will carry on travelling it. There maybe times when I falter but i know there will be plenty of people to pick me up and guide me on my way.
Happy New Year to you all
xxx Julie
Wednesday 31 December 2008
Monday 22 December 2008
All ready for Christmas
Well we are all ready for Christmas. All the cupboards are stuffed to the brim and the house is gleaming. Spent all day cleaning and we have braved the supermarkets and bought all that we need.
Yesterday we went carol singing with the Operatic society. We sung at a local nursing home, the local hospitals chapel and on the cancer ward at the hospital. I got really choked up when we went on to the ward as I haven't been there since I had chemotherpay. Lots of memories were flooding through my head and I did find it difficult to sing. Dinner at mums afterwards though cheered me up!
Had a bit of a row with Gordon this afternoon. He was working and I got a bit stressed out about getting the house cleaned. He said he wanted me to ask him for help. After a lot of tears from me I managed to make him understand that I find it hard to ask for help. I feel scared that the more that I let various jobs be done by others, the further along the road I am to always needing help. He understands though and I love him for it.
I don't know why but I seem convinced that this will be my last christmas. Maybe thats why I am getting so emotionally involved and building the whole event up to something so important to me. I so want it to go well and everyone have a wonderful day.I want the house to be perfect and for everyone to love their presents. I am cooking for 9 of us and we have said NO to turkey this year. Instead we are getting some lovely chickens from my local butchers and a piece of ham. I can't wait till the day itself comes. Its been so cold here recently I wonder if we will have snow?!!
Yesterday we went carol singing with the Operatic society. We sung at a local nursing home, the local hospitals chapel and on the cancer ward at the hospital. I got really choked up when we went on to the ward as I haven't been there since I had chemotherpay. Lots of memories were flooding through my head and I did find it difficult to sing. Dinner at mums afterwards though cheered me up!
Had a bit of a row with Gordon this afternoon. He was working and I got a bit stressed out about getting the house cleaned. He said he wanted me to ask him for help. After a lot of tears from me I managed to make him understand that I find it hard to ask for help. I feel scared that the more that I let various jobs be done by others, the further along the road I am to always needing help. He understands though and I love him for it.
I don't know why but I seem convinced that this will be my last christmas. Maybe thats why I am getting so emotionally involved and building the whole event up to something so important to me. I so want it to go well and everyone have a wonderful day.I want the house to be perfect and for everyone to love their presents. I am cooking for 9 of us and we have said NO to turkey this year. Instead we are getting some lovely chickens from my local butchers and a piece of ham. I can't wait till the day itself comes. Its been so cold here recently I wonder if we will have snow?!!
Thursday 18 December 2008
What someone with cancer really wants from her friends and family
I found this post the other day and it says a lot of what I went through last year and am still going through
I Could Get Hit by a Bus Too
by Susan Frisius
“You never know when you're going to die, after all, I could get hit by a bus."
Since I've never known anyone who has been hit by a bus, I don't understand why friends and acquaintances often say this when I first tell them I have breast cancer. Do they think the possibility of their being hit by a bus equals the possibility of my dying from cancer? Besides, I could get hit by a bus too.
"You're lucky you have a treatable disease."
Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful I wasn't told, "There's nothing we can do," but losing pieces of my body, having a radiation machine set off a nuclear war in my breast and getting my veins filled with toxic chemicals doesn't exactly make me feel lucky.
"You'll be fine because you have a great attitude."
If attitude really matters, why did I get cancer in the first place? Or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? Right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. So what does that mean?
"Don't worry, if your time's not up, it's not up."
If that's true, why did I bother with the surgery? Should I cancel the rest of my treatments? Do doctors perform surgery and give chemo and radiation for no good reason? After all, "if my time's up," treatments won't help.
"I've read that anger and stress lead to cancer."
Great! Now I caused my own cancer.
"You should simplify your life."
It's pretty simple now, all I seem to do is go to medical appointments.
"I've read that people can keep cancer from coming back by changing their diet. Maybe you should try to improve yours since it didn't keep you from getting cancer. That's why I watch everything I eat."
The person who tells me this knows I only eat natural foods, cook everything from scratch, don't eat junk foods and rarely eat meat. "You eat white pasta," she says when she sees my puzzled look. Of course, she eats white pasta too, but calls the flour "semolina." Does she really think if I had eaten pasta with "semolina" on the label I wouldn't now have cancer?
One person says, "If you really want to live, you will. Just never give up. When people give up, they die."
If I were hit and killed by a bus would she think I died because I gave up?
Another person tells me to visualize the cancer shrinking. She says, "If you really work at it, you can eliminate it."
Most conversations end with "call if you need anything." I don't have the energy to call anyone - I can hardly feed myself and get to my medical appointments.
Why do intelligent and sensitive people who care about me say such things? Can they really believe I'm responsible both for my cancer and the outcome of my treatments?
I think these people want to believe cancers are caused by a person's poor emotional state or diet. This lets them think they won't get cancer because they think they eat properly and handle their lives and emotions well. Unfortunately, it also makes them feel uncomfortable around me because they're afraid they'll find out their attitudes and diets are no better than mine. So I hear, "How can you be so cheerful?" and "All that yogurt can't be good for you," and "Put your daughters in foster care, they're too stressful for you."
I have no doubt that everyone I talked to about my cancer was concerned about me and wanted to help me keep a positive outlook. I'm sure they were sincere when they said, "I'd like to have you over for dinner sometime, but I know everything makes you sick," or "It's good to see you out grocery shopping, I was worried because I hadn't seen you for a while."
I'm sure friends would have been happy to help if I had called them and asked for assistance. Most likely they thought they were being considerate when they didn't visit or call "so I could rest." I think they just didn't know what to do or say.
So what would help me while I'm being treated for cancer?
Drop in or call. The only way you'll know what I need is if you keep in touch. Remember, if I'm out in the community, I'm well enough to be out. It's when you don't see me that I need your support.
Don't wait for me or my immediate family to ask you for help. It takes too much energy and I don't like admitting I can no longer cope with everyday living. When you want to help, don't ask what I need, just do it. Bring me a meal (white pasta is fine), wash my floors while I sleep, take my children to a movie, get the oil changed in my car, pick up a few vegetables for me at a farm stand, change a burned out light bulb, take my empty yogurt container off the coffee table and throw it out.
Don't minimize the illness that scrambles my life by telling me about simple causes and self cures. Everything I've held important has been touched by it - my ability to raise my children, my work, my independence, my social life.
Don't let your fear of hearing about cancer keep you away. While cancer has become a big part of my life, it's not my whole existence and I am able to converse on other subjects.
Remember my immediate family. My cancer affects them emotionally as much as it does me. My kids and parents need their friends' support now more than they ever did.
If I let you know your company is too much for me at the time, come back. If I don't answer the phone, call again. I need to know I can count on you because I'm temporarily unable to count on myself.
If you're feeling helpless because someone you know has cancer, don't. Take them a meal and eat it with them. Talk to them as you wash their dishes. Play a game with their kids so they can hear laughter. Pet their cat until it purrs. Bring over a book and read it to them. Both of you will feel better when you take action.
Well said Susan!
Been a hectic week -its the last week of school. ALso having to sort out replacement cards for the ones that were stolen. Got my big non perishable shop coming Saturday then its just the meat and vegetables to pick up. Spent the morning cleaning my grandads bungalow with my mum. He's in his late 80's and just can't do it any more. Thought we were both getting flu this week. Chris also was really sick Monday night but so far (touch wood) we are fine. Getting so excited. Really looking forward to Christmas so much. Scan is on 6th January so just not thinking past Christmas at the moment. Want it to be a good one!
I Could Get Hit by a Bus Too
by Susan Frisius
“You never know when you're going to die, after all, I could get hit by a bus."
Since I've never known anyone who has been hit by a bus, I don't understand why friends and acquaintances often say this when I first tell them I have breast cancer. Do they think the possibility of their being hit by a bus equals the possibility of my dying from cancer? Besides, I could get hit by a bus too.
"You're lucky you have a treatable disease."
Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful I wasn't told, "There's nothing we can do," but losing pieces of my body, having a radiation machine set off a nuclear war in my breast and getting my veins filled with toxic chemicals doesn't exactly make me feel lucky.
"You'll be fine because you have a great attitude."
If attitude really matters, why did I get cancer in the first place? Or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? Right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. So what does that mean?
"Don't worry, if your time's not up, it's not up."
If that's true, why did I bother with the surgery? Should I cancel the rest of my treatments? Do doctors perform surgery and give chemo and radiation for no good reason? After all, "if my time's up," treatments won't help.
"I've read that anger and stress lead to cancer."
Great! Now I caused my own cancer.
"You should simplify your life."
It's pretty simple now, all I seem to do is go to medical appointments.
"I've read that people can keep cancer from coming back by changing their diet. Maybe you should try to improve yours since it didn't keep you from getting cancer. That's why I watch everything I eat."
The person who tells me this knows I only eat natural foods, cook everything from scratch, don't eat junk foods and rarely eat meat. "You eat white pasta," she says when she sees my puzzled look. Of course, she eats white pasta too, but calls the flour "semolina." Does she really think if I had eaten pasta with "semolina" on the label I wouldn't now have cancer?
One person says, "If you really want to live, you will. Just never give up. When people give up, they die."
If I were hit and killed by a bus would she think I died because I gave up?
Another person tells me to visualize the cancer shrinking. She says, "If you really work at it, you can eliminate it."
Most conversations end with "call if you need anything." I don't have the energy to call anyone - I can hardly feed myself and get to my medical appointments.
Why do intelligent and sensitive people who care about me say such things? Can they really believe I'm responsible both for my cancer and the outcome of my treatments?
I think these people want to believe cancers are caused by a person's poor emotional state or diet. This lets them think they won't get cancer because they think they eat properly and handle their lives and emotions well. Unfortunately, it also makes them feel uncomfortable around me because they're afraid they'll find out their attitudes and diets are no better than mine. So I hear, "How can you be so cheerful?" and "All that yogurt can't be good for you," and "Put your daughters in foster care, they're too stressful for you."
I have no doubt that everyone I talked to about my cancer was concerned about me and wanted to help me keep a positive outlook. I'm sure they were sincere when they said, "I'd like to have you over for dinner sometime, but I know everything makes you sick," or "It's good to see you out grocery shopping, I was worried because I hadn't seen you for a while."
I'm sure friends would have been happy to help if I had called them and asked for assistance. Most likely they thought they were being considerate when they didn't visit or call "so I could rest." I think they just didn't know what to do or say.
So what would help me while I'm being treated for cancer?
Drop in or call. The only way you'll know what I need is if you keep in touch. Remember, if I'm out in the community, I'm well enough to be out. It's when you don't see me that I need your support.
Don't wait for me or my immediate family to ask you for help. It takes too much energy and I don't like admitting I can no longer cope with everyday living. When you want to help, don't ask what I need, just do it. Bring me a meal (white pasta is fine), wash my floors while I sleep, take my children to a movie, get the oil changed in my car, pick up a few vegetables for me at a farm stand, change a burned out light bulb, take my empty yogurt container off the coffee table and throw it out.
Don't minimize the illness that scrambles my life by telling me about simple causes and self cures. Everything I've held important has been touched by it - my ability to raise my children, my work, my independence, my social life.
Don't let your fear of hearing about cancer keep you away. While cancer has become a big part of my life, it's not my whole existence and I am able to converse on other subjects.
Remember my immediate family. My cancer affects them emotionally as much as it does me. My kids and parents need their friends' support now more than they ever did.
If I let you know your company is too much for me at the time, come back. If I don't answer the phone, call again. I need to know I can count on you because I'm temporarily unable to count on myself.
If you're feeling helpless because someone you know has cancer, don't. Take them a meal and eat it with them. Talk to them as you wash their dishes. Play a game with their kids so they can hear laughter. Pet their cat until it purrs. Bring over a book and read it to them. Both of you will feel better when you take action.
Well said Susan!
Been a hectic week -its the last week of school. ALso having to sort out replacement cards for the ones that were stolen. Got my big non perishable shop coming Saturday then its just the meat and vegetables to pick up. Spent the morning cleaning my grandads bungalow with my mum. He's in his late 80's and just can't do it any more. Thought we were both getting flu this week. Chris also was really sick Monday night but so far (touch wood) we are fine. Getting so excited. Really looking forward to Christmas so much. Scan is on 6th January so just not thinking past Christmas at the moment. Want it to be a good one!
Monday 15 December 2008
Robbed
Have been having a really rough time recently. Not been well at all. I also am waiting to have a further ct scan to confirm whether my mets have spread. Currently have bone mets but last scan showed up a node in my chest. Having a scan early January to confirm/deny this. So its a really tense time in our house
We decided to get away from it all and go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend with Christophers godparents.
Well we were having a wonderful time going on rides, eating out in lovely restaurants. A real break from everything
But unfortunately I am not allowed to have a nice time anymore
On the Saturday evening some scum of the earth stole my purse and my sons wallet from my handbag. All my cards gone, our cash, driving licence, prescription exemption cert -ALL gone. Chris had his pocket money stolen -this is money which he had been saving for weeks to spend in the shopsplus money that his grandparents had given him to have a nice weekend
SPent the rest of the weekend searching, crying , asking people and of course having to cancel cards. The banks fouled up and cancelled all of our cards even Gordons. It was lucky we had friends with us who could lend us money as we were literally stranded with no money or any access to any
Have spent the day today running around sorting out the rest of cards, licence (off course a replacement one costs £17 with a credit/debit card -which I no longer have!!). Luckily we have some savings we can access with a passbook (card stolen) as we wont see any replacement ones before christmas
How can people do that to others? I feel violated by the whole thing that someone has access to my personal details (photocard driving licence has name/address/ dob on it)
I hope they get what they deserve -All this extra stress has not helped - I actually collapsed on the Saturday evening and even now feel rotten about it all. Have had migraine type headaches and stomach pains since Saturday and I know its because of the stress
All we wanted was a weekend away from all the stress and crap -why is this not possible for us. Its just not fair
We decided to get away from it all and go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend with Christophers godparents.
Well we were having a wonderful time going on rides, eating out in lovely restaurants. A real break from everything
But unfortunately I am not allowed to have a nice time anymore
On the Saturday evening some scum of the earth stole my purse and my sons wallet from my handbag. All my cards gone, our cash, driving licence, prescription exemption cert -ALL gone. Chris had his pocket money stolen -this is money which he had been saving for weeks to spend in the shopsplus money that his grandparents had given him to have a nice weekend
SPent the rest of the weekend searching, crying , asking people and of course having to cancel cards. The banks fouled up and cancelled all of our cards even Gordons. It was lucky we had friends with us who could lend us money as we were literally stranded with no money or any access to any
Have spent the day today running around sorting out the rest of cards, licence (off course a replacement one costs £17 with a credit/debit card -which I no longer have!!). Luckily we have some savings we can access with a passbook (card stolen) as we wont see any replacement ones before christmas
How can people do that to others? I feel violated by the whole thing that someone has access to my personal details (photocard driving licence has name/address/ dob on it)
I hope they get what they deserve -All this extra stress has not helped - I actually collapsed on the Saturday evening and even now feel rotten about it all. Have had migraine type headaches and stomach pains since Saturday and I know its because of the stress
All we wanted was a weekend away from all the stress and crap -why is this not possible for us. Its just not fair
Friday 5 December 2008
BEWARE OF GLOW STICKS
We had a HUGE scare last night. Chris came home from his cub carol service with a glow stick. Got him ready for bed, switched his light off and went and got into my bed as I was exhausted. All of a sudden Christopher started screaming ''mummy, mummy'. I have never heard him scream like that EVER
Rushed into his room. He had been playing with the glow stick in bed and it had split and squirted into his eye. Rushed him into the bathroom and just kept running water into his eye
He eventually stopped screaming and this morning is fine -no damage at all. Checked on the internet and the fluid is not toxic and will just irritate the eye a little.Took us a while to calm down though.
I keep hearing him scream for me though in my mind. Even though he is 9 next year he still wanted his mum when things are bad. It just worrys me that I don't know how long I'll be around to do that and be there for him
Rushed into his room. He had been playing with the glow stick in bed and it had split and squirted into his eye. Rushed him into the bathroom and just kept running water into his eye
He eventually stopped screaming and this morning is fine -no damage at all. Checked on the internet and the fluid is not toxic and will just irritate the eye a little.Took us a while to calm down though.
I keep hearing him scream for me though in my mind. Even though he is 9 next year he still wanted his mum when things are bad. It just worrys me that I don't know how long I'll be around to do that and be there for him
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)