So Low

Things have been hard for me lately and I have found myself struggling to do even the simplest tasks. Am in a lot of pain from when i fell down the stairs in Holland. I also have a pain in my ribs which is being investigated. I find myself in tears over the silliest little thing. I am not sleeping and am totally exhausted. I used to feel so angry over the unfairness of my whole situation. Now I just feel so scared and frightened. I am not going to pretend - sometimes it would be so easy to empty my bottle of sleeping pills and then it would be over - thats how low i have got. But then I think how unfair that would be to Gordon who is, and always has been my rock. He really is a husband in a million -i could not have got through this past year without him. He constantly reminds me of our marriage vows 'in sickness and in health'. I am so lucky to have him by my side. Also Christopher. I owe it to him to keep going as at only 8 he needs his mummy so much. Hes grown up so much this past year and become so much more independent. I took what was left of my courage and got my Macmillan nurse Chris to come round and talk to me. Between us we have drawn up a plan to sort out my tiredness. She is also going to get me an appointment to see my GP and my consultant to find out what this pain in my ribs is. Both Chris and Anne (my BCN)have been really positive about what this pain could be. Its so hard to live like this though -every pain or ache I automatically think its a spread and then panic. Chris is going to call me tomorrow. I think its time to go back on my happy pills to try and give myself some support and to provide the tools so that i can start coping again. I don't think I will ever be able to accept the fact that I have this terminal disease but I guess I have to TRY and learn to live with it. I am not a quitter so hope all of the above will hopfully get me back on track