Again apologies for not posting much but all my time has and was taken up with our Show. BAOS presented Gilbert and Sullivans'The Gondoliers'' from 10-14th February at the Haymarket theatre. I thoroughly enjoy performing - its one of my great joys. I love to sing especially music that challenges me as a performer. Both myself and Gordon were in the chorus for this one -it's good to have him around as he can keep an eye on me. The leadup to the show was so hectic -as Vice Chair there were numerous jobs that had to be done so was pretty tired before the show even started.
I must admit that I found Show week to be more exhausting that I have ever found it. Saturday in particular with two shows was the worst -I could hardly stand up after the matinee as I was so tired -but the show must go on!. Its made me think about whether I can perform in a big show. Its a difficult decision and one i will find very hard. We have got several concerts coming up as well so looking forward to them. Deep down I know I don't want to stop performing -cancer has taken away so much of my life that I don't want to loose anything else. I am clinging really to the last few remnants of a life that now seems like a dream. I cannot believe that I crammed so much into a life -these days it takes all of my energy and strength to get up, take Chris to school and back and cook dinner.There are times when I cannot even do that.
Social services are due to come round this week to adapt the house to my needs -this is mainly putting rails in all the places that I have difficulty with -stairs, bathrooms etc. They have also put a rail by my bed which is a god send and given me a stool for cooking and a bath seat. A year ago I would have fought tooth and nail and not let anything like this into my house but now I am more accepting of it. I need help to get around now so need to accept all these things to a/ remain in my house and b/ still be ''normal'' mummy for Chris. Its so important to him to see me in a good light. I feel so sad that cancer has made him grow up faster than I would have liked and realise how important to him it is to see me looking ok. I try and hide any pain or tiredness from him as he worrys about me too much. When i was poorly through chemo he found it so hard. Unfortunately the emotional help from his school just was not there and its only now -through things he drops into conversations that we realise how much my being ill affected him.
Thank good ness half term was straight after the show. Its now Wednesday and I am still completely shattered.So far this week we have done breakfast and cinema with my sister and my neice and lunch and cinema with my friends Jenny and Judith and their children. Enjoyed both days. Today is a lazy day-we have spent the morning watching Christophers baby video which brought back so many memories. Not sure what the rest of the week will hold but am trying to rest as much as I can before school restarts. I have never felt so tired as I do this week -pain not too bad but I keep nodding off to sleep everytime that I sit down. Hope I get over it soon!
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Update
Sorry I have not posted for a while. Its been a very up and down time recently.
I am slowly coming to terms with the ''uncertainty'' of my scan results. I have spoken to the Hospice Dr and am trying to stay positive.
I met my new Macmillan nurse who is lovely. I was a bit nervous of going through my whole history with someone new but she put me at my ease and I think we are going to get on well. I think i went through a period of feeling very sorry for myself and am trying to move on with things
The occupational therapist came to see me at home. She was lovely and we basically reviewed the house together. I want to stay in our house as much as I can so we are looking at ways to adapt it to my needs. She has brough me a bath seat, cooking stool and a rail to help me in and out of bed.She is also going to arrange to have a seat put into my shower and rails on the stairs, by the front door and in both bathrooms. We are also looking at possibly getting a stair lift fitted.Everything will help.
I had devastating news last week. One of my close friends in the Operatic Society got rushed into hospital on the Tuesday with meningitis. Sadly she died only two days later. I was so upset -I had only spoken to her the day before so it was a huge shock. Carol was a wonderful person -warm, caring and always had a smile on her face. She was very supportive to me when I felt down and always had a joke or something funny to tell me which would always cheer me up. We worked very closely together on the executive committee and she was always willing to help out with anything that needed to be done. She always sat next to me at rehearsals and we would giggle our way through the evening. I shall miss her soo much. Both Gordon and myself went to her funeral last Friday and sung with the church choir. At times it was difficult to stop breaking down in tears but I tried really hard to sing for Carol. I am so sad she never got to perform in Gondoliers as she had a great love of Gilbert and Sullivan and was really looking forward to it. Carol - i will miss you so much but I know you will be smiling down on us xxx
Rehearsals for the show are going well -we have just one week till we opens. Its just a case of polishing bits and pieces, Learning the last bits of music and practising, practising, practising. We are all working very hard and hope that it will be a wonderful success.
I will try not to leave it too long before posting again!
I am slowly coming to terms with the ''uncertainty'' of my scan results. I have spoken to the Hospice Dr and am trying to stay positive.
I met my new Macmillan nurse who is lovely. I was a bit nervous of going through my whole history with someone new but she put me at my ease and I think we are going to get on well. I think i went through a period of feeling very sorry for myself and am trying to move on with things
The occupational therapist came to see me at home. She was lovely and we basically reviewed the house together. I want to stay in our house as much as I can so we are looking at ways to adapt it to my needs. She has brough me a bath seat, cooking stool and a rail to help me in and out of bed.She is also going to arrange to have a seat put into my shower and rails on the stairs, by the front door and in both bathrooms. We are also looking at possibly getting a stair lift fitted.Everything will help.
I had devastating news last week. One of my close friends in the Operatic Society got rushed into hospital on the Tuesday with meningitis. Sadly she died only two days later. I was so upset -I had only spoken to her the day before so it was a huge shock. Carol was a wonderful person -warm, caring and always had a smile on her face. She was very supportive to me when I felt down and always had a joke or something funny to tell me which would always cheer me up. We worked very closely together on the executive committee and she was always willing to help out with anything that needed to be done. She always sat next to me at rehearsals and we would giggle our way through the evening. I shall miss her soo much. Both Gordon and myself went to her funeral last Friday and sung with the church choir. At times it was difficult to stop breaking down in tears but I tried really hard to sing for Carol. I am so sad she never got to perform in Gondoliers as she had a great love of Gilbert and Sullivan and was really looking forward to it. Carol - i will miss you so much but I know you will be smiling down on us xxx
Rehearsals for the show are going well -we have just one week till we opens. Its just a case of polishing bits and pieces, Learning the last bits of music and practising, practising, practising. We are all working very hard and hope that it will be a wonderful success.
I will try not to leave it too long before posting again!
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Results
Well i have been to the Hospital today for the results of my scan
To be honest I don't know whether to be happy or not.
Scan shows still possible spread to chest and there is definately something there. The positive thing is that it is growing very slowly -only 1mm in three month so from 5mm to 6mm wide. Oncologist is very upbeat and positive and is going to monitor me every three months. She says she will not be worried until it gets bigger than 1cm which will then indicate an aggressive tumour.
So I am happy that I don't have to have any treatment for the time being but still feel like i am in limbo. I don't feel that I can move on but maybe it is just that I am feeling a little low. Gordon is over the moon and is so happy so why can't I be happy too?
To be honest I don't know whether to be happy or not.
Scan shows still possible spread to chest and there is definately something there. The positive thing is that it is growing very slowly -only 1mm in three month so from 5mm to 6mm wide. Oncologist is very upbeat and positive and is going to monitor me every three months. She says she will not be worried until it gets bigger than 1cm which will then indicate an aggressive tumour.
So I am happy that I don't have to have any treatment for the time being but still feel like i am in limbo. I don't feel that I can move on but maybe it is just that I am feeling a little low. Gordon is over the moon and is so happy so why can't I be happy too?
Saturday, 10 January 2009
ILL
Well i was right. On Friday afternoon I went downhill so quickly. Everything that I either ate or drank from lunch time onwards I threw up.Felt rotten. I eventually fell asleep at 9pm and went into a really deep sleep for an hour and a half till 10.30pm. I managed to eat a slice of toast and keep it down but then struggled to sleep for the rest of the night. I had taken a sleeping pill but threw it up so wasn't able to take another one as I wasn't sure how much of the dose I had absorbed. It seemed every hour i woke up and tossed and turned. Wasn't sick in the night thank goodness.
This morning i managed to keep down a boiled egg and some soup so hopefully the sickness part is over and done with. My throat though feels like broken glass and I have an awful cough. Not great timing as have a four hour rehearsal tomorrow with the Operatic society. We are very short on top sopranos so need to be in top form. Have been drinking lots and taking lemsips and strepsils so hopefully that will be enough. Also dosed myself up with a lovely meal of lamb, mashed potato and thick gravy followed by homemade jam roly poly with custard. I love that kind of food especially when it is cold outside. Am going to bed early hopefully to get a good nights sleep and that i will feel better tomorrow
This morning i managed to keep down a boiled egg and some soup so hopefully the sickness part is over and done with. My throat though feels like broken glass and I have an awful cough. Not great timing as have a four hour rehearsal tomorrow with the Operatic society. We are very short on top sopranos so need to be in top form. Have been drinking lots and taking lemsips and strepsils so hopefully that will be enough. Also dosed myself up with a lovely meal of lamb, mashed potato and thick gravy followed by homemade jam roly poly with custard. I love that kind of food especially when it is cold outside. Am going to bed early hopefully to get a good nights sleep and that i will feel better tomorrow
Friday, 9 January 2009
my dog Chloe
Just wanted to post some pictures of my dog Chloe. She is 16 years old. She is a poodle/jack russell/corgi cross. We have had her since she was 4 years. We got her from a rescue centre. Unfortunately she was there because she had been treated badly by her previous owners. Its taken us many years of love and patience to gain her confidence. Shes an old lady now, shes slightly deaf, has cataracts in both eyes and is very arthritic. But despite all this she still bounds to see me when i get home and likes nothing more than following me round the house when i do my chores. She's a real madam -always wants her own way and no matter where we walk her she always knows her way home. She's gorgeous and these pictures show her on her new bed which she got for Christmas.
Tired and Scared
I think the title of this post says it all. I feel totally exhausted this week . I don't have the energy to do anything so spending most of the time wrapped in a blanket either lying in bed or on the sofa. Woke up this morning with a throat that felt like broken glass. Looks like I am going down with the bug that everyone else has had. Finding it hard to swallow and coughing lots. Its very icy outside so walking Christopher to and from school is a huge effort for me. I so am frightened of falling over and hurting my hip. I am stuggling with my pain control at the moment. It seems once again to be out of control and what i am taking doesn't seem to be as effective as it was before Christmas. I have taken some more oramorph this morning which has made me a bit drowsy so will go to bed for a while, whilst Chris is at school.
I seem to be very close to tears most of the time. I am being very irritable and I know that I am very hard to live with at the moment. I seem to be flying off the handle constantly and picking fights with Gordon on the silliest little things. I think its because deep down I am so scared that its going to be bad news next week. In fact I am convinced it will be. I am so greatful that he is always there for me no matter what. Also my Mum, Dad and Sister. You guys are my rocks and the wind beneath my wings xxx
I seem to be very close to tears most of the time. I am being very irritable and I know that I am very hard to live with at the moment. I seem to be flying off the handle constantly and picking fights with Gordon on the silliest little things. I think its because deep down I am so scared that its going to be bad news next week. In fact I am convinced it will be. I am so greatful that he is always there for me no matter what. Also my Mum, Dad and Sister. You guys are my rocks and the wind beneath my wings xxx
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Leaking like a seive
Yes thats right. My arm is offically a seive.
Usual nightmare Ct scan. Wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 4 hours before my scan. When I arrived a man in the waiting area was eating. It was awful, i was so hungry I wanted to rip the orange out of his hands and eat it. Managed to drink the disgusting barium liquid although it did make me quite queasy on an empty stomach
Had the usual problems finding a vein. After two attempts I insisted they bring a supervisor. By the time she came my arm was so cold. They filled a glove up with hot water and tried to warm my hand up. The supervisor took over and also had a go. Eventually she managed to find a vein in the back of my hand. Wow! blood went everywhere, all over the nurse and the floor. They flushed it several times to make sure it was ok and made me sit in the prep area rather than going back to the waiting room just in case it failed. I hate CT scans so much. You have to put your hands over your head. As i had my lymph nodes taken out of my left arm I find this really difficult and painful. So I had my left arm hurting from that and my right from the cannula. Then the flushing bit which always makes you feel like you have wet yourself. It feels so undignified as you really feel that you have. Eventually it was all over and done with and i was allowed take my multiple bandaged arm and go home to a much needed cup of tea. Now I have to wait till Thursday 15th for the results. I think its going to be a long long week.
Usual nightmare Ct scan. Wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 4 hours before my scan. When I arrived a man in the waiting area was eating. It was awful, i was so hungry I wanted to rip the orange out of his hands and eat it. Managed to drink the disgusting barium liquid although it did make me quite queasy on an empty stomach
Had the usual problems finding a vein. After two attempts I insisted they bring a supervisor. By the time she came my arm was so cold. They filled a glove up with hot water and tried to warm my hand up. The supervisor took over and also had a go. Eventually she managed to find a vein in the back of my hand. Wow! blood went everywhere, all over the nurse and the floor. They flushed it several times to make sure it was ok and made me sit in the prep area rather than going back to the waiting room just in case it failed. I hate CT scans so much. You have to put your hands over your head. As i had my lymph nodes taken out of my left arm I find this really difficult and painful. So I had my left arm hurting from that and my right from the cannula. Then the flushing bit which always makes you feel like you have wet yourself. It feels so undignified as you really feel that you have. Eventually it was all over and done with and i was allowed take my multiple bandaged arm and go home to a much needed cup of tea. Now I have to wait till Thursday 15th for the results. I think its going to be a long long week.
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