My Puppy

I mentioned that last year we adopted a gorgeous labrador/spaniel puppy called Minnie. She came to us when she was just 12 weeks old and was called Domino (on account of the white spots on her tum). We all thought Minnie suited her better..she is such a lady. I have never had a dog as good natured as Minnie..she is so loving. She loves hugs, cuddles and still thinks she is a lap dog although now she is getting a little bit big for my lap!. Christopher adores her..every morning she curls up at the foot of his ladder waiting for him to come down and play. Quite often they cuddle up on the same bean bag for a big hug. We were really unsure about getting a dog so young..you all know how scared I get about looking towards the future but once we saw her we fell in love. She has brought so much happiness into a house that definately needs it!
Here is a few pictures ranging from 12 weeks to 10 months of Minnie

A few up to date pictures

I thought I would post a couple of upto date pictures of us. They were taken on our recent holiday to Devon..The pics show, me, Gordon (in one pic), my sister Angela (in one pic), Brother in law Gareth, My fantastic son Christopher and my lovely niece and nephew Amber and Toby

Meetings and partings

This week another one of my cancer pals sadly passed away. It reminded me of the saying 'Life is full of meetings and partings'. Cancer has brought into my life some incredible women..some still with us..others sadly have passed away. They have enriched my life so much with their support and knowledge. I feel very privileged to know all of these women and wish to say a huge thankyou

Apologies and thanks

I am so sorry to the followers of this blog that I have been really remiss in keeping it updated. I seem to have a huge mental block at the moment about coming on here..so a BIG apology. I will try harder!
Not much has changed..the consultant still suspects a cancer spread to my lungs but this is still unconfirmed. He says that this doesnt make sense to him though as usually the spread is bones...liver..lungs and my liver looks clear. I'm still being scanned though every two months which is a huge strain. I suspect that I may be taken off Tamoxifen soon so will see what happens
I seem to be back and forth to my gp constantly at the moment as I continually don't feel well. I feel that my immune system is really weak as I pick up every bug thats going around. Unfortunately it then takes me ages to get over them. I keep going back to the Doctors but I feel like I am being ignored..my last visit was last week and again they have ordered blood tests. I dont have high hopes of a solution..All I want is help and advice of how to build up my immune system but feel like I am being fobbed off.
Thanks to all of you for your kind and best wishes ..things are not easy at the moment but I am still struggling on

scans and more snow

I am feeling better this week although still so tired all the time. This week has been scan week...both have had their ups and downs
On Tuesday I went for a bone scan. I hate bone scans..as I am slightly claustrophobic. In the morning I went for the radioactive dye which is injected into my arm. As usual the nurse struggled to find a vein. After two failed attempts she went and found a doctor who got the needle in first time. After that I had to go away and came back three hours later for the scan. With a bone scan the plate is so close to your face. It is very slow , you are strapped to the table and not allowed to move. I managed to get through it all using yoga techniques and keeping my eyes closed!
Wednesday was my ct scan. The night before we again had a heavy fall of snow. We listened to the radio when we woke and were really alarmed to hear that all the roads were gridlocked. It wasn't looking likely that we would make it to the hospital. My appointment was at 9.15 so I took Christopher to my neighbours and me and Gordon set off at 8am. The local radio station kept reporting heavy traffic and jack knifed lorries..on top of the stress of having a scan this wasn't helping!. We managed to get half way to the hospital in the car before the adverse weather stopped us. So we parked the car and decided to make the rest of the way on foot. It was really hard going as the snow was so deep..by the time I got to the hospital I was almost dead on my feet..Luckily I had Gordon and my walking stick to get my through. When I looked at myself in the mirror I was bright red in the face!
After yesterdays fiasco over the needle I took a hot water bottle with me and strapped it to my arm. I was so glad we had made it in..the phone in the office kept ringing with patients cancelling...the receptioneist said that If I had cancelled I would not have got a new appointment for at least 6 weeks. The CT staff were filling up the appointment gaps by scanning in patients which I found very distressing. There was a huge shortage of porters..one old man in a wheelchair had to sit there for over an hour and he kept screaming for someone to come and take him back to his ward. Another man in a bed was parked next to my chair...at first I thought he was unconscious but after a while he came round and kept pulling his trousers down and exposing himself which I found quite upsetting. As fast as the nurses kept pulling his trousers up, he kept pulling them down. I was so glad when he got taken back to his ward.
The hot water bottle helped and after yesterday i asked the nurses not to try and put the cannula into my arms and asked them to fetch the doctor. It was the same Doctor who was successful the day before. She was brilliant again and got the cannula in so fast. I dislike Ct Scans as when they flush your vein it feels like you have wet yourself..Fortunately I was expecting this and was glad that the scan went fine and very quickly. I was glad to find out when I came out of the scanning room to see Gordon. He had managed to retrieve the car from where we had abandoned it and brought it up to the hospital to take me hom. This was a huge relief as I knew that I hadn't the energy to walk back to where we had left it.
Now I have to wait...results are next Thursday so I need everyone to keep their fingers crossed for me.
The scans took a lot of energy out of me so haven't done much else this week. I did find time to treat myself to a hair cut. My hair has not been great recently and a lot of it has fallen out so I decided to have it all cut off into a new funky style. It looks great and is a real confidence booster for me
Don't forget to keep your fingers crossed!

SNOW!

Wow...another heavy snowfall this week...I don't remember having so much snow since I was little.!
Am feeling better...Since New years day I was quite ill with vomiting. I couldnt seem to get warm at all. I managed to get to the Doctor On Tuesday who took blood tests. I tried to explain to him that I am really concerned about my general state of health. My energy levels are so much less than they were six months..even twelve months ago. I am lucky if I get more than 4 hours sleep per night and I am constantly cold all the time. Unfortunately the GP was not sympathetic and said the reason I wasnt feeling well was because of the cancer. Well I disagree completely with that statement as I feel there are more underlying problems. I managed to get him to take some blood so hopefully there will be an answer. Already I have found out that my thyroid is low so thats not helping things..fingers crossed!
Back to the snow. The roads are not too bad where we are although our close is quite icy..once you are on the main roads you are fine. Christopher was delighted to be off school all week although his school reopened this morning (one of two in the whole of Basingstoke). We have plenty of food in the house...but I was amazed at how people are panic buying and clearing shelves especially bread and milk. We are lucky to have a good village shop and an excellent butcher in our village. The butcher in particular is brilliant so went there today to fill the freezer...I am not driving in this weather!!. I am trying not to think about my scans next week..I hope that i will still be able to have them...with all this snow there is a possibility that they might be cancelled. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that they don't
xxx

2010

First I want to apologise to you all for abandoning this blog so abruptly without no further word to you all. I also want to thank everyone who has enquired about me and wanting to know if I am ok.
I stopped writing the blog as I wanted a complete break. My last scan showed that there was no change to the cancer in my hip and that the suspected cancer in my chest was still growing but slowly. I needed to get away from anything cancer related..blogs, websites..at one stage I was visiting some cancer pags 5-6 times a day. Not healthy for me. So I have had a complete break.
Now I am back!..to bore you all again! The three of us had the summer that we longed for..cornwall was blissful..we had great plans for the fortnight but ended up spending all the days relaxing on the beach. The other major change to our lives was that we adopted from a rescue a 12 week old puppy called Minnie. We thought long and hard about getting another dog after Chloe died as its such a major long term commitment (And thats something we have tended to shy away from). Wow what a change to our lives..its just like having a baby in the house. Its been wonderful to have something positive in our lives..its especially been wonderful for Christopher to have something to love
Well what will 2010 bring for me...A huge change is that I am being handed over to another consultant. The hospital are referring everyone with metastic involvement to new doctor who has just been hired. I am nervous of going to see someone new..Dr Tinkler has been with me since diagnose so I have learnt to rely on her support..I am pretty selfish about my medical professionals..I like to see the same person be it GP, Nurse or consultant so this will be a hard thing. Before I go to see him I am getting ready for my followup scans..this time they are on 12/13th January. Hopefully the results will follow in time for my consultants appoint ment on January 21st. My main problem is exhaustion these days. I hate the fact that I cannot do things that I long to do. The exhaustion is much more that it was last year and the year before.I also feel bad when I see how much pressure there is on Gordon as main wage earner and carer to me..I am sure that the last thing he wants to do is come in and start looking after a poorly wife after a hard day at work. He is back in London now so cannot come home as quickly as he used to..He tries not to complain but I can see how hard this all is on him. Christopher is an angel..loving, caring to me. This year it will be important for him as we have to choose a secondary school for him..I want to make the right choice for him
So just to let everyone know...i am fine..very tired, apprehensive at times as to whether I am deteriorating health wise..A ticking time bomb i think!

Fighting hard

Well I thought things were on the up..
My local hospital has two oncologists. One has left recently and they have not yet employed someone. So there is one Dr doing the job of two. So I got a letter yesterday saying all appointments in clinic have been cancelled. They are not doing any follow up appointments at the moment. The priority will be women who are under going treatment. Well this totally threw me. I now do not know when I will be getting the results from my scan. This is agonising..its bad enough waiting but when you now don't have an appointment it feels even worse. I have spoken to various people including the consultants secretary but have had no luck. I have been told that when the results appear on the system an appointment MAY be made for me but this depends on the results and if a relevant qualified member of staff is available to speak to me. The only thing I can do is ring the hospital every single day until the results appear. This waiting and fighting is both emotionally and physically draining, it wears me down till I feel exhausted. Its so hard to keep fighting all the time.

TOBY

I am enjoying being an auntie again. My nephew Toby is wonderful and I am getting lots of cuddles. Its lovely to have a baby in the family again. It was hard for me to begin with as cancer has taken away my chance to have any more children which was difficult to deal with.I've now gone in to menopause which I am finding hard to cope with as we would have loved another child. I admit that I wasn't too nice to my sister when she announced her pregnancy as I felt upset and to be truthful very jealous but now Toby is here I love him to bits.I've now decided that I am going to be the best auntie in the world!. (Think Amber agrees already!!)

Concert/Surprise Party

On Saturday We did another concert singing our 1940's programme. It went very well. I had to get a new dress as I accidently bleached my other one. The audience were really good and joined in with the singing. Here is a picture of all of us
The day of the concert was also Gordons birthday. My family came over for breakfast which was lovely..definately a tradition to keep up!
After the concert..although he didn't know I had arranged a surprise birthday party for Gordon. It was so hard keeping it a secret -I had to arrange all the food and make sure people were invited. Gordon just thought we were going for after concert drinks. His face was a picture as we walked into Caroline and Tims house and everyone shouted 'Happy Birthday'. He was really touched as noone had every done that for him before.It was a lovely surprise and a wonderful end to a great day. Thanks to Tim and Caroline for helping me organise the party and to Gordon, My lovely hubby -I love you so much

Scan

Last Friday I had my latest CT Scan. Usual nightmare. Last time I went for a scan i got told off for not mentioning that I had bad veins. So this time I made sure I did. I was thanked for mentioning the subject by the nurse. Three quarters of an hour and no hot water arrived. Got called in for the injection and then got told off about veins as usual. Well I got really cross and told the supervisor that i HAD mentioned about my veins WHEN i arrived but nothing was done. I hate CT scans they are so horrible. I get the results in a week and a half so watch this space!

I'm an Auntie again!

My lovely sister Angela gave birth to a boy yesterday at 3.41 am. His name is Toby James and he weighed 9lb 9oz. He is totally gorgeous and I have had loads of cuddles
Congratulations and lots of love to Angela, Gareth, Amber (who is a lovely big sister) and Toby from the three Suttons xxxxxxxxxxx

Rock bottom again....

I haven't posted for a while
I've also not been on any of the cancer websites that I normally haunt
One reason is that..well I have had lots of things going on. I have been singing in concerts to raise money for local charities based on a 1940's theme.Christopher turned 9 and we had a wonderful day out at the local hawk conservancy. All the children loved it and had a great time. Unfortunately I over did it and spent most of the following week in bed. I hate so much not being able to do the things I want to do. I also hate it so much that when I DO DO the things that I want to do I end up spending over a week to recover. Well it all built up and I hit rock bottom...lots of tears. With the help of my gp, nurse, family I am slowly building myself up again but it seems harder and harder everytime. Sometimes I think ..whats the point of trying as everytime it gets harder. I have a scan coming up which is preying on my mind and I am finally going to see a counseller. I feel so angry and bitter inside which I hate. At times it is sooo hard to fight these feelings. I don't want to give up on life but wish it could be easier...more importantly I cant understand...why me?..why did I have to get cancer.
On that note I will finish with a picture of Christopher on his birthday treat...it was a wonderful day and he loved every minute of it. I have also posted a picture of some of the operatic society in our 1940's costumes that we are wearing for our concerts. Our operatic society feels that it is very important to give something back to the local community so we do this by performing in concerts to raise money for local charities. This year has a 1940's theme and for the first time I am singing two solos plus a duet with Gordon. Last night was our first one and it was a huge success. Looking forward to the next one on July 4th!

my garden

I thought that you might like to see pictures of our veg plot. Its doing very well..things are begining to 'sprout' up. Gordon has been re discovering his creative side. He has made a second compost heap, did the fencing all around the veg plot, built the a frames and then last weekend the two of us worked together to make a den for Chris.Chris loves his den and all we need is some nice weather for him to play in it...Oh well at least the rain makes the plants grow!!. Chris has been doing well recently so fingers crossed. For the last two weeks he has been like the happy boy we used to have as our son. Before cancer

Run for fun

Christopher and Gordon did the Basingstoke Mens Run for Fun on Wednesday. It was to raise money for Cancer Research. I am so proud of both my guys...they ran 3 miles in 33 minutes. When they crossed the start line I couldn't stop crying with emotion. I was so proud to see them finish together hand in hand.
Here are a few pictures of my two guys after the race....so proud of you both and love you very very much

Garden etc

Well the garden is looking well...Lots of green shoots peeping up which is very exciting!!. I have to keep taking my book out as when I am weeding I am not sure if I am pulling up a weed or a veg...its all new to me!
Its May Bank holiday so a 3 day weekend. Yesterday we went to Mum and Dads for a BBQ. My sister and family were there as was my grand dad so it was a lovely family day.Amber and Chris get so excited when they are playing together
Today the three of us walked to the shops and then me and Gordon have been working in the garden again. Chris is out playing somewhere with a group of friends...he pops back when he gets hungry!!. Its nice that its so safe around here that he can do that.
Its been a sad time this past week. A friend of mine from the forums died this week. Kate was a wonderful friend...i was following her blog which is linked to mine. Kate defied the odds over and over again but in the end lost her stuggle against cancer.
We had a lot in common...she had a son the same age as Chris so we often compared notes. Kate I miss your advice, humour and support so much. I will be thinking of you and your family on Thursday. Hoping to get to the funeral but if not I will be remembering.
Chris is doing ok...the beginnning of the week was awful though. In the end we sat him down and talked about how horrible he was being to us..mostly me.We have also restricted his priviledges to certain stuff Since then he hasn't been perfect BUT a lot nicer to be around...He is trying very hard as are we. He wants to try and take up a martial art which I think will be good for him so am looking into that. Anything that can absorb his excess energy and help him work off his frustrations and anger would be a good thing

Planting a garden

I am a bit sad as its the end of the Easter Holidays. I shall miss Chris when he goes back to school. This Easter holidays have gone so quickly.
Today we planted up our vegetable garden and it looks wonderful. We planted the following:
Potatoes (Rooster)
Mixed Salad
Swede
Spinach Beet
Turnip
little gem lettuce
Onions (normal and spring)
Spinach
Carrots
Tom thumb lettuce
Garlic
Strawberries
Pea
Rhubarb
Broad Beans
Purple sprouting broccolli
Runner beans
Tomatoes
Butternut squash
Courgettes
Pumpkin

I have also got pots of herbs (rosemary /chives / parsley / coriander / thyme / mint growing wonderfully well. Still in the consevatory I have peppers, chillis and two lemon trees
Some where grown from seed in our conservatory and some we have sown from seed. We edged all the beds with straw which should mulch down eventually
Once again I am so greatful to Gordon -he did most of the planting as I couldn't do much bending. He also did the majority of the heavy digging
I am very proud of our veg plot and am hoping we get a bumper harvest!!

Update -Isle of Wight and more...

I am so sorry that I haven't posted recently.What with dealing with not having our lovely little chloe around and being away on holiday, I have not had the heart to post much
We got Chloes ashes back from the crematorium and have buried her in the garden with a rhododendrum on top called 'black magic'. Chloe was black and always magic so it seemed appropriate.
We have had wonderful easter holidays. We went to the Isle of Wight with my mum, dad, sister, brother in law and neice. We rented a wonderful house in Bembridge which is near Ryde. The house was great..totally brand new. Chris enjoyed sharing a bedroom with Amber and I could hear lots of giggles when they were supposed to be asleep. So here is a potted history of what we did
Good Friday: Arrived at the house..unpacked
Easter Saturday..went food shopping and then spent the rest of the day on Bembridge beach. Finished the day by going to a local restaurant.
Easter Sunday... Started with an Easter egg hunt in the garden and then Chris cooked scrambled egg. We then spent the day at Amazon world looking at lots of animals. Came back and had a lovely roast dinner with meat from the Bembridge Butcher
Monday We went to Sandown for the day. First we went into the dinosaur museum which Christopher loved. We then spent time on Sandown beach. We also went on the pier and walked around the town. Dinner was fish and chips back in Bembridge
Tuesday. Today we went to Black gang Chine. Fantastic theme park with something for everyone. Wonderful day out
wednesday We went swimming in Ryde. After that we spent the day on Ryde beach. We had a cream tea. For dinner we came back to Bembridge and went to the local chinese restaurant. Everything was freshly cooked..delicious
Thursday - last day. We had breakfast in a local cafe and then walked to Bembridge beach. Once packing was finished we went to Shanklin. We wandered round the shops and then we went to an italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal.
Friday - we had breakfast out in Bembridge and then took the ferry home
The weather was really good all week so we spent most of the time on the beach which the children loved.
Now back to a moutain of laundry!! I am hoping also to get the garden planted with all my vegetable plants which have thrived whilst i was away (Thanks Keith for watering)
It seems that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to get us to start having these family holidays together..this is our third one now. I have enjoyed this week more than I can say and hope that there will be many more to come in the future
xxxx

Some sad news

I am very sad to say that today we have had to put our lovely dog Chloe to sleep. She was 17 yrs old and had been with her since she was 4. She had gone downhill quite fast recently and was obviously suffering. The vet said she also had the start of liver failure so we decided very sadly that the kindest thing to do was to put her to sleep
Have shed lots of tears with Gordon and Chris...Chloe was part of our family and we shall miss her so much.

Things are not so good...Still having problems with Chris and I am also very low and depressed as well. I am so looking forward to the Easter Holidays.

Will post more when my spirits are higher

Christopher

Sorry for not posting recently but things went down hill with Christopher after my last post. I went to school on the thursday to collect him to find him crying in the corridor. Saw the teacher and found out that Christopher had kicked him. Felt awful and that we were failing him as parents. I went in the next day and saw his class teacher who told me that his behaviour in class had also got worse. He's been bursting into tears and getting stressed over simple things. Me and Gordon didn't know what to think or say
He has never had counselling or emotional support at school. Every time something changes with me I go in and update them but they have never ever bothered to talk to him. But surprise surprise..this week after he had kicked the music teacher he was called out of lessons to talk about his ''problems''. We are not happy about this as calling it this seems to us that he is being labelled as a troublemaker.
I have managed to talk to Chris on a one to one basis to find out why he was behaving like this. The reason behind it all was that he had seen the house being adapted with rails etc and thought I had got worse and I had not told him. He had been worrying so much that i had deteriorated. I couldn't believe it...such a simple thing but so important to him. He said 'mum are you going to die?'..well everyone dies one day. We talked about my condition and I said that I was doing all the right things by taking medicine and that the Dr was pleased with me. Poor lad, he was worrying so much about me. Talking has helped as this week he has been behaving so much better so fingers crossed. I have asked him to talk to me when things are bothering him and not to bottle it up inside..I hope he does.
Had a wonderful mothers day. We went to a hotel for lunch with Mum and Dad,my grandad, my sister, brother in law and my neice. Food was lovely and I had a bottle of prosecco all to myself. There was a childrens entertainer which the kids loved and it ment the sdults could enjoy their food and relax. I got flowers from my parents, flowers from Chris and a lovely mirror for my dressing table. ALso two cards hand made by Chris filled with lots of love. Its been a lovely day.