Jools - my cancer journey

My Puppy

2010-05-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that last year we adopted a gorgeous labrador/spaniel puppy called Minnie. She came to us when she was just 12 weeks old and was called Domino (on account of the white spots on her tum). We all thought Minnie suited her better..she is such a lady. I have never had a dog as good natured as Minnie..she is so loving. She loves hugs, cuddles and still thinks she is a lap dog although now she is getting a little bit big for my lap!. Christopher adores her..every morning she curls up at the foot of his ladder waiting for him to come down and play. Quite often they cuddle up on the same bean bag for a big hug. We were really unsure about getting a dog so young..you all know how scared I get about looking towards the future but once we saw her we fell in love. She has brought so much happiness into a house that definately needs it!
Here is a few pictures ranging from 12 weeks to 10 months of Minnie

A few up to date pictures

2010-05-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

I thought I would post a couple of upto date pictures of us. They were taken on our recent holiday to Devon..The pics show, me, Gordon (in one pic), my sister Angela (in one pic), Brother in law Gareth, My fantastic son Christopher and my lovely niece and nephew Amber and Toby

Meetings and partings

2010-05-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

This week another one of my cancer pals sadly passed away. It reminded me of the saying 'Life is full of meetings and partings'. Cancer has brought into my life some incredible women..some still with us..others sadly have passed away. They have enriched my life so much with their support and knowledge. I feel very privileged to know all of these women and wish to say a huge thankyou

Apologies and thanks

2010-04-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry to the followers of this blog that I have been really remiss in keeping it updated. I seem to have a huge mental block at the moment about coming on here..so a BIG apology. I will try harder!
Not much has changed..the consultant still suspects a cancer spread to my lungs but this is still unconfirmed. He says that this doesnt make sense to him though as usually the spread is bones...liver..lungs and my liver looks clear. I'm still being scanned though every two months which is a huge strain. I suspect that I may be taken off Tamoxifen soon so will see what happens
I seem to be back and forth to my gp constantly at the moment as I continually don't feel well. I feel that my immune system is really weak as I pick up every bug thats going around. Unfortunately it then takes me ages to get over them. I keep going back to the Doctors but I feel like I am being ignored..my last visit was last week and again they have ordered blood tests. I dont have high hopes of a solution..All I want is help and advice of how to build up my immune system but feel like I am being fobbed off.
Thanks to all of you for your kind and best wishes ..things are not easy at the moment but I am still struggling on

scans and more snow

2010-01-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

I am feeling better this week although still so tired all the time. This week has been scan week...both have had their ups and downs
On Tuesday I went for a bone scan. I hate bone scans..as I am slightly claustrophobic. In the morning I went for the radioactive dye which is injected into my arm. As usual the nurse struggled to find a vein. After two failed attempts she went and found a doctor who got the needle in first time. After that I had to go away and came back three hours later for the scan. With a bone scan the plate is so close to your face. It is very slow , you are strapped to the table and not allowed to move. I managed to get through it all using yoga techniques and keeping my eyes closed!
Wednesday was my ct scan. The night before we again had a heavy fall of snow. We listened to the radio when we woke and were really alarmed to hear that all the roads were gridlocked. It wasn't looking likely that we would make it to the hospital. My appointment was at 9.15 so I took Christopher to my neighbours and me and Gordon set off at 8am. The local radio station kept reporting heavy traffic and jack knifed lorries..on top of the stress of having a scan this wasn't helping!. We managed to get half way to the hospital in the car before the adverse weather stopped us. So we parked the car and decided to make the rest of the way on foot. It was really hard going as the snow was so deep..by the time I got to the hospital I was almost dead on my feet..Luckily I had Gordon and my walking stick to get my through. When I looked at myself in the mirror I was bright red in the face!
After yesterdays fiasco over the needle I took a hot water bottle with me and strapped it to my arm. I was so glad we had made it in..the phone in the office kept ringing with patients cancelling...the receptioneist said that If I had cancelled I would not have got a new appointment for at least 6 weeks. The CT staff were filling up the appointment gaps by scanning in patients which I found very distressing. There was a huge shortage of porters..one old man in a wheelchair had to sit there for over an hour and he kept screaming for someone to come and take him back to his ward. Another man in a bed was parked next to my chair...at first I thought he was unconscious but after a while he came round and kept pulling his trousers down and exposing himself which I found quite upsetting. As fast as the nurses kept pulling his trousers up, he kept pulling them down. I was so glad when he got taken back to his ward.
The hot water bottle helped and after yesterday i asked the nurses not to try and put the cannula into my arms and asked them to fetch the doctor. It was the same Doctor who was successful the day before. She was brilliant again and got the cannula in so fast. I dislike Ct Scans as when they flush your vein it feels like you have wet yourself..Fortunately I was expecting this and was glad that the scan went fine and very quickly. I was glad to find out when I came out of the scanning room to see Gordon. He had managed to retrieve the car from where we had abandoned it and brought it up to the hospital to take me hom. This was a huge relief as I knew that I hadn't the energy to walk back to where we had left it.
Now I have to wait...results are next Thursday so I need everyone to keep their fingers crossed for me.
The scans took a lot of energy out of me so haven't done much else this week. I did find time to treat myself to a hair cut. My hair has not been great recently and a lot of it has fallen out so I decided to have it all cut off into a new funky style. It looks great and is a real confidence booster for me
Don't forget to keep your fingers crossed!

SNOW!

2010-01-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Wow...another heavy snowfall this week...I don't remember having so much snow since I was little.!
Am feeling better...Since New years day I was quite ill with vomiting. I couldnt seem to get warm at all. I managed to get to the Doctor On Tuesday who took blood tests. I tried to explain to him that I am really concerned about my general state of health. My energy levels are so much less than they were six months..even twelve months ago. I am lucky if I get more than 4 hours sleep per night and I am constantly cold all the time. Unfortunately the GP was not sympathetic and said the reason I wasnt feeling well was because of the cancer. Well I disagree completely with that statement as I feel there are more underlying problems. I managed to get him to take some blood so hopefully there will be an answer. Already I have found out that my thyroid is low so thats not helping things..fingers crossed!
Back to the snow. The roads are not too bad where we are although our close is quite icy..once you are on the main roads you are fine. Christopher was delighted to be off school all week although his school reopened this morning (one of two in the whole of Basingstoke). We have plenty of food in the house...but I was amazed at how people are panic buying and clearing shelves especially bread and milk. We are lucky to have a good village shop and an excellent butcher in our village. The butcher in particular is brilliant so went there today to fill the freezer...I am not driving in this weather!!. I am trying not to think about my scans next week..I hope that i will still be able to have them...with all this snow there is a possibility that they might be cancelled. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that they don't
xxx

2010

2010-01-02T04:46:00.000-08:00

First I want to apologise to you all for abandoning this blog so abruptly without no further word to you all. I also want to thank everyone who has enquired about me and wanting to know if I am ok.
I stopped writing the blog as I wanted a complete break. My last scan showed that there was no change to the cancer in my hip and that the suspected cancer in my chest was still growing but slowly. I needed to get away from anything cancer related..blogs, websites..at one stage I was visiting some cancer pags 5-6 times a day. Not healthy for me. So I have had a complete break.
Now I am back!..to bore you all again! The three of us had the summer that we longed for..cornwall was blissful..we had great plans for the fortnight but ended up spending all the days relaxing on the beach. The other major change to our lives was that we adopted from a rescue a 12 week old puppy called Minnie. We thought long and hard about getting another dog after Chloe died as its such a major long term commitment (And thats something we have tended to shy away from). Wow what a change to our lives..its just like having a baby in the house. Its been wonderful to have something positive in our lives..its especially been wonderful for Christopher to have something to love
Well what will 2010 bring for me...A huge change is that I am being handed over to another consultant. The hospital are referring everyone with metastic involvement to new doctor who has just been hired. I am nervous of going to see someone new..Dr Tinkler has been with me since diagnose so I have learnt to rely on her support..I am pretty selfish about my medical professionals..I like to see the same person be it GP, Nurse or consultant so this will be a hard thing. Before I go to see him I am getting ready for my followup scans..this time they are on 12/13th January. Hopefully the results will follow in time for my consultants appoint ment on January 21st. My main problem is exhaustion these days. I hate the fact that I cannot do things that I long to do. The exhaustion is much more that it was last year and the year before.I also feel bad when I see how much pressure there is on Gordon as main wage earner and carer to me..I am sure that the last thing he wants to do is come in and start looking after a poorly wife after a hard day at work. He is back in London now so cannot come home as quickly as he used to..He tries not to complain but I can see how hard this all is on him. Christopher is an angel..loving, caring to me. This year it will be important for him as we have to choose a secondary school for him..I want to make the right choice for him
So just to let everyone know...i am fine..very tired, apprehensive at times as to whether I am deteriorating health wise..A ticking time bomb i think!

Fighting hard

2009-07-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well I thought things were on the up..
My local hospital has two oncologists. One has left recently and they have not yet employed someone. So there is one Dr doing the job of two. So I got a letter yesterday saying all appointments in clinic have been cancelled. They are not doing any follow up appointments at the moment. The priority will be women who are under going treatment. Well this totally threw me. I now do not know when I will be getting the results from my scan. This is agonising..its bad enough waiting but when you now don't have an appointment it feels even worse. I have spoken to various people including the consultants secretary but have had no luck. I have been told that when the results appear on the system an appointment MAY be made for me but this depends on the results and if a relevant qualified member of staff is available to speak to me. The only thing I can do is ring the hospital every single day until the results appear. This waiting and fighting is both emotionally and physically draining, it wears me down till I feel exhausted. Its so hard to keep fighting all the time.

TOBY

2009-07-06T11:44:00.001-07:00

I am enjoying being an auntie again. My nephew Toby is wonderful and I am getting lots of cuddles. Its lovely to have a baby in the family again. It was hard for me to begin with as cancer has taken away my chance to have any more children which was difficult to deal with.I've now gone in to menopause which I am finding hard to cope with as we would have loved another child. I admit that I wasn't too nice to my sister when she announced her pregnancy as I felt upset and to be truthful very jealous but now Toby is here I love him to bits.I've now decided that I am going to be the best auntie in the world!. (Think Amber agrees already!!)

Concert/Surprise Party

2009-07-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

On Saturday We did another concert singing our 1940's programme. It went very well. I had to get a new dress as I accidently bleached my other one. The audience were really good and joined in with the singing. Here is a picture of all of us
The day of the concert was also Gordons birthday. My family came over for breakfast which was lovely..definately a tradition to keep up!
After the concert..although he didn't know I had arranged a surprise birthday party for Gordon. It was so hard keeping it a secret -I had to arrange all the food and make sure people were invited. Gordon just thought we were going for after concert drinks. His face was a picture as we walked into Caroline and Tims house and everyone shouted 'Happy Birthday'. He was really touched as noone had every done that for him before.It was a lovely surprise and a wonderful end to a great day. Thanks to Tim and Caroline for helping me organise the party and to Gordon, My lovely hubby -I love you so much

Scan

2009-07-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I had my latest CT Scan. Usual nightmare. Last time I went for a scan i got told off for not mentioning that I had bad veins. So this time I made sure I did. I was thanked for mentioning the subject by the nurse. Three quarters of an hour and no hot water arrived. Got called in for the injection and then got told off about veins as usual. Well I got really cross and told the supervisor that i HAD mentioned about my veins WHEN i arrived but nothing was done. I hate CT scans they are so horrible. I get the results in a week and a half so watch this space!

I'm an Auntie again!

2009-06-21T11:10:00.001-07:00

My lovely sister Angela gave birth to a boy yesterday at 3.41 am. His name is Toby James and he weighed 9lb 9oz. He is totally gorgeous and I have had loads of cuddles
Congratulations and lots of love to Angela, Gareth, Amber (who is a lovely big sister) and Toby from the three Suttons xxxxxxxxxxx

Rock bottom again....

2009-06-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while
I've also not been on any of the cancer websites that I normally haunt
One reason is that..well I have had lots of things going on. I have been singing in concerts to raise money for local charities based on a 1940's theme.Christopher turned 9 and we had a wonderful day out at the local hawk conservancy. All the children loved it and had a great time. Unfortunately I over did it and spent most of the following week in bed. I hate so much not being able to do the things I want to do. I also hate it so much that when I DO DO the things that I want to do I end up spending over a week to recover. Well it all built up and I hit rock bottom...lots of tears. With the help of my gp, nurse, family I am slowly building myself up again but it seems harder and harder everytime. Sometimes I think ..whats the point of trying as everytime it gets harder. I have a scan coming up which is preying on my mind and I am finally going to see a counseller. I feel so angry and bitter inside which I hate. At times it is sooo hard to fight these feelings. I don't want to give up on life but wish it could be easier...more importantly I cant understand...why me?..why did I have to get cancer.
On that note I will finish with a picture of Christopher on his birthday treat...it was a wonderful day and he loved every minute of it. I have also posted a picture of some of the operatic society in our 1940's costumes that we are wearing for our concerts. Our operatic society feels that it is very important to give something back to the local community so we do this by performing in concerts to raise money for local charities. This year has a 1940's theme and for the first time I am singing two solos plus a duet with Gordon. Last night was our first one and it was a huge success. Looking forward to the next one on July 4th!

my garden

2009-05-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

I thought that you might like to see pictures of our veg plot. Its doing very well..things are begining to 'sprout' up. Gordon has been re discovering his creative side. He has made a second compost heap, did the fencing all around the veg plot, built the a frames and then last weekend the two of us worked together to make a den for Chris.Chris loves his den and all we need is some nice weather for him to play in it...Oh well at least the rain makes the plants grow!!. Chris has been doing well recently so fingers crossed. For the last two weeks he has been like the happy boy we used to have as our son. Before cancer

Run for fun

2009-05-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Christopher and Gordon did the Basingstoke Mens Run for Fun on Wednesday. It was to raise money for Cancer Research. I am so proud of both my guys...they ran 3 miles in 33 minutes. When they crossed the start line I couldn't stop crying with emotion. I was so proud to see them finish together hand in hand.
Here are a few pictures of my two guys after the race....so proud of you both and love you very very much

Garden etc

2009-05-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well the garden is looking well...Lots of green shoots peeping up which is very exciting!!. I have to keep taking my book out as when I am weeding I am not sure if I am pulling up a weed or a veg...its all new to me!
Its May Bank holiday so a 3 day weekend. Yesterday we went to Mum and Dads for a BBQ. My sister and family were there as was my grand dad so it was a lovely family day.Amber and Chris get so excited when they are playing together
Today the three of us walked to the shops and then me and Gordon have been working in the garden again. Chris is out playing somewhere with a group of friends...he pops back when he gets hungry!!. Its nice that its so safe around here that he can do that.
Its been a sad time this past week. A friend of mine from the forums died this week. Kate was a wonderful friend...i was following her blog which is linked to mine. Kate defied the odds over and over again but in the end lost her stuggle against cancer.
We had a lot in common...she had a son the same age as Chris so we often compared notes. Kate I miss your advice, humour and support so much. I will be thinking of you and your family on Thursday. Hoping to get to the funeral but if not I will be remembering.
Chris is doing ok...the beginnning of the week was awful though. In the end we sat him down and talked about how horrible he was being to us..mostly me.We have also restricted his priviledges to certain stuff Since then he hasn't been perfect BUT a lot nicer to be around...He is trying very hard as are we. He wants to try and take up a martial art which I think will be good for him so am looking into that. Anything that can absorb his excess energy and help him work off his frustrations and anger would be a good thing

Planting a garden

2009-04-19T12:11:00.001-07:00

I am a bit sad as its the end of the Easter Holidays. I shall miss Chris when he goes back to school. This Easter holidays have gone so quickly.
Today we planted up our vegetable garden and it looks wonderful. We planted the following:
Potatoes (Rooster)
Mixed Salad
Swede
Spinach Beet
Turnip
little gem lettuce
Onions (normal and spring)
Spinach
Carrots
Tom thumb lettuce
Garlic
Strawberries
Pea
Rhubarb
Broad Beans
Purple sprouting broccolli
Runner beans
Tomatoes
Butternut squash
Courgettes
Pumpkin

I have also got pots of herbs (rosemary /chives / parsley / coriander / thyme / mint growing wonderfully well. Still in the consevatory I have peppers, chillis and two lemon trees
Some where grown from seed in our conservatory and some we have sown from seed. We edged all the beds with straw which should mulch down eventually
Once again I am so greatful to Gordon -he did most of the planting as I couldn't do much bending. He also did the majority of the heavy digging
I am very proud of our veg plot and am hoping we get a bumper harvest!!

Update -Isle of Wight and more...

2009-04-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry that I haven't posted recently.What with dealing with not having our lovely little chloe around and being away on holiday, I have not had the heart to post much
We got Chloes ashes back from the crematorium and have buried her in the garden with a rhododendrum on top called 'black magic'. Chloe was black and always magic so it seemed appropriate.
We have had wonderful easter holidays. We went to the Isle of Wight with my mum, dad, sister, brother in law and neice. We rented a wonderful house in Bembridge which is near Ryde. The house was great..totally brand new. Chris enjoyed sharing a bedroom with Amber and I could hear lots of giggles when they were supposed to be asleep. So here is a potted history of what we did
Good Friday: Arrived at the house..unpacked
Easter Saturday..went food shopping and then spent the rest of the day on Bembridge beach. Finished the day by going to a local restaurant.
Easter Sunday... Started with an Easter egg hunt in the garden and then Chris cooked scrambled egg. We then spent the day at Amazon world looking at lots of animals. Came back and had a lovely roast dinner with meat from the Bembridge Butcher
Monday We went to Sandown for the day. First we went into the dinosaur museum which Christopher loved. We then spent time on Sandown beach. We also went on the pier and walked around the town. Dinner was fish and chips back in Bembridge
Tuesday. Today we went to Black gang Chine. Fantastic theme park with something for everyone. Wonderful day out
wednesday We went swimming in Ryde. After that we spent the day on Ryde beach. We had a cream tea. For dinner we came back to Bembridge and went to the local chinese restaurant. Everything was freshly cooked..delicious
Thursday - last day. We had breakfast in a local cafe and then walked to Bembridge beach. Once packing was finished we went to Shanklin. We wandered round the shops and then we went to an italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal.
Friday - we had breakfast out in Bembridge and then took the ferry home
The weather was really good all week so we spent most of the time on the beach which the children loved.
Now back to a moutain of laundry!! I am hoping also to get the garden planted with all my vegetable plants which have thrived whilst i was away (Thanks Keith for watering)
It seems that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to get us to start having these family holidays together..this is our third one now. I have enjoyed this week more than I can say and hope that there will be many more to come in the future
xxxx

Some sad news

2009-03-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am very sad to say that today we have had to put our lovely dog Chloe to sleep. She was 17 yrs old and had been with her since she was 4. She had gone downhill quite fast recently and was obviously suffering. The vet said she also had the start of liver failure so we decided very sadly that the kindest thing to do was to put her to sleep
Have shed lots of tears with Gordon and Chris...Chloe was part of our family and we shall miss her so much.

Things are not so good...Still having problems with Chris and I am also very low and depressed as well. I am so looking forward to the Easter Holidays.

Will post more when my spirits are higher

Christopher

2009-03-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting recently but things went down hill with Christopher after my last post. I went to school on the thursday to collect him to find him crying in the corridor. Saw the teacher and found out that Christopher had kicked him. Felt awful and that we were failing him as parents. I went in the next day and saw his class teacher who told me that his behaviour in class had also got worse. He's been bursting into tears and getting stressed over simple things. Me and Gordon didn't know what to think or say
He has never had counselling or emotional support at school. Every time something changes with me I go in and update them but they have never ever bothered to talk to him. But surprise surprise..this week after he had kicked the music teacher he was called out of lessons to talk about his ''problems''. We are not happy about this as calling it this seems to us that he is being labelled as a troublemaker.
I have managed to talk to Chris on a one to one basis to find out why he was behaving like this. The reason behind it all was that he had seen the house being adapted with rails etc and thought I had got worse and I had not told him. He had been worrying so much that i had deteriorated. I couldn't believe it...such a simple thing but so important to him. He said 'mum are you going to die?'..well everyone dies one day. We talked about my condition and I said that I was doing all the right things by taking medicine and that the Dr was pleased with me. Poor lad, he was worrying so much about me. Talking has helped as this week he has been behaving so much better so fingers crossed. I have asked him to talk to me when things are bothering him and not to bottle it up inside..I hope he does.
Had a wonderful mothers day. We went to a hotel for lunch with Mum and Dad,my grandad, my sister, brother in law and my neice. Food was lovely and I had a bottle of prosecco all to myself. There was a childrens entertainer which the kids loved and it ment the sdults could enjoy their food and relax. I got flowers from my parents, flowers from Chris and a lovely mirror for my dressing table. ALso two cards hand made by Chris filled with lots of love. Its been a lovely day.

Falling asleep/Always check who is behind you!!

2009-03-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

Can't believe how tired I am today. Fell asleep when I got back from the school run, and then again at the hospice and then AGAIN when I got back from school. The third time I think that I would have slept all evening if it had not been for Christopher shaking me and telling me he was hungry.
Had to have words with one of his teachers today as the teacher was really picking on Chris and calling him names. Note to teacher -do NOT bad mouth my son! And always check behind you before you insult someone. The look of shock on his face as he turned round and saw me after he insulted Chris was priceless. I am surprised that Chris wanted to continue with the school club but he was prepared to give it another go. He tries really hard at running -its not his fault that he is not as fast as the boys. Very proud of him.
Managed to get some gardening done between the rain. Got to spread compost etc over the vegetable plot and then it will be ready for planting seeds. Gordon built a fence around it so Chloe wouldn't walk over it -shes driving me mad walking mud into the house. Just got to also move the compost heap and get an outside bin. Am really enjoying doing this with Gordon as its something we can both do together

Veg Plot

2009-03-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Gordon and Keith painted my bedroom which looks wonderful. I also managed to get down to Ikea to buy some lovely accessories. The room is now a true sanctuary to me and I feel really chilled out when I am in it. I also bought an armchair to put in it so that visitors have somewhere to sit when they come to see me.
Usual busy week -I went into the infant school twice to get some idea of what the work will be like and I start officially on Wednesday. Looking forward to it.
Friday I went out to dinner with some friends from BAOS (Operatic society). We went out to remember our friend Carol who died suddenly last month. A few tears were shed as well as lots of alchohol!. On Saturday I went to Sing a Long a Hairspray with my neighbour Judith. We had a great time. We dressed up -I wore a full circle net petticoat, a navy skirt, navy checked blouse, pink cardy, pink scarf and headband. We laughed at Judith's daughter and her friend who had used toilet rolls to make their hair go into a bee hive. It was a great night -we were singing and dancing all evening. I was disappointed though that not many people dressed up -where were their sense of fun?
Have had a busy weekend in the garden. Last year we had a small vegetable plot and had quite a successful harvest. So this year we have decided to make a bigger plot -its now about 8 times the size of our original plot.Unfortunately the bad weather stopped us today from doing much so hoping for some nice days in the week so that I can get some more work done on the plot ready for planting. I am so grateful to Gordon who did most of the hard work doing the digging. He takes my dreams and makes them into reality

Creating a sanctuary

2009-02-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

Recently due to the fact that tire so easily and that some days suffer quite badly from pain. I have noticed a deterioration in my health since last September especially with regard to energy levels. By 8pm I am often to be found tucked up in bed as its were I am at my most comfortable. I also feel that this is a room that I will be spending more and more time over the next few years so it has become important to me to make it nice and be a place where people can visit me when I am unable to get out of bed..or even when I am just too tired and want company.
We don't have too much money so need to use what furniture I have and in time slowly replace them. ALso trying to cut down on clutter and just have the things that mean the most to me... Christophers stories, candles, my favourite books, my jewelry.
We went out today and bought the paint to get started hopefully tomorrow. I couldn't afford to replace my curtains as they are very expensive so have taken the colour schemes from them. They are cream red and olive. SO we have decided to paint one wall as a feature wall in 'overtly olive'. The rest of the walls will be daffodil white. Gordon bought me a wonderful candlelabra for the bedroom which is so gorgous.I am really looking forward to see it all done and create a 'true sanctuary' for me. I hope to post photos once its finished. Going to sign off now as I am falling asleep.

A new Job and a Party

2009-02-28T14:03:00.000-08:00

Its been a busy week. I'm trying to spread the housework tasks across the week so I don't get too tired during the day.
I am excited that I have managed to get a job. My friend works as a dinner lady at the local infant school. She's just got a new job and asked me if I wanted to work the two days that she cannot do -Wednesdays and Fridays. Just one hour on the those days. This will be lovely and just enough. Unlike my previous attempt at doing this I will be contracted to do just those two days. It means i get to work with children again which is something i love. One day I will be working with a downs syndrome boy who I will need to communicate with in sign language which will be a challenge. The other day I will be working with Yr 1. I am so looking forward to it
Am having a fantastic weekend. Thursday I went to see Thriller Live with my friends at the Mayflower in Southampton. It was good especially when they sung the Michael Jackson songs that I know like Thriller, Billie Jean and Bad.
Last night we went to a fantastic party. My neighbour (and one of my best friends) had her 50th Birthday. She hired a hall and It was fantastic -a whole evening of great music, lots of drink and fun. Our group had the dance floor totally staked out for us. DJ was great and played all the great numbers from the 70's and 80's. We didn't want to go home. Judith is a great friend so I bought her a day out at windsor castle with a cream tea. She was thrilled and to my surprise has asked me to come with her for the day
Tonight we went out for dinner with my mum, dad, my sister and my niece. It was a really nice evening catching up as we had not seen each other for the past week. Really enjoyed the whole evening espcially seeing Amber and Christopher sharing a massive dessert.

End of Half Term

2009-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Chris was off school for an inset day today. We have had a lovely time together over half term last week. We've been to the cinema (three times!), to Birdworld and also to a Farm Park with Friends. Been good to go out with friends as it means someone is there to look after Chris if I had to sit down and rest. Its been lovely to spend time with Christopher. Although only 8 he looks after me so well and takes such good care of me. I feel proud but sad about this as I feel I have made him grow up quicker than normally. He knows that I cannot do as much as I used to and that i need to rest at times but we find other things to do that don't involve standing too much.
Today I went to the hospice for some complementary therapy. Having reflexology does me so much good. I can totally relax and switch off whilst having the treatment. I did manage to fall asleep only for the fire alarm to wake me up. It was only a test but felt quite groggy after it as i had fallen asleep quite heavily. When I got back home i picked up Christopher from my neighbours and me, Chris, My neighbour and her little boy walked across the field to have lunch at our local pub. A lovely end to a lovely week.
I shall miss my little man when he goes back to school. He's always got a happy smile or a thought to share to keep my spirits up and remind me how lucky I am to be his mum.

More show pictures

2009-02-18T07:25:00.001-08:00

Show pics

2009-02-18T07:19:00.001-08:00

The Show is over

2009-02-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

Again apologies for not posting much but all my time has and was taken up with our Show. BAOS presented Gilbert and Sullivans'The Gondoliers'' from 10-14th February at the Haymarket theatre. I thoroughly enjoy performing - its one of my great joys. I love to sing especially music that challenges me as a performer. Both myself and Gordon were in the chorus for this one -it's good to have him around as he can keep an eye on me. The leadup to the show was so hectic -as Vice Chair there were numerous jobs that had to be done so was pretty tired before the show even started.
I must admit that I found Show week to be more exhausting that I have ever found it. Saturday in particular with two shows was the worst -I could hardly stand up after the matinee as I was so tired -but the show must go on!. Its made me think about whether I can perform in a big show. Its a difficult decision and one i will find very hard. We have got several concerts coming up as well so looking forward to them. Deep down I know I don't want to stop performing -cancer has taken away so much of my life that I don't want to loose anything else. I am clinging really to the last few remnants of a life that now seems like a dream. I cannot believe that I crammed so much into a life -these days it takes all of my energy and strength to get up, take Chris to school and back and cook dinner.There are times when I cannot even do that.
Social services are due to come round this week to adapt the house to my needs -this is mainly putting rails in all the places that I have difficulty with -stairs, bathrooms etc. They have also put a rail by my bed which is a god send and given me a stool for cooking and a bath seat. A year ago I would have fought tooth and nail and not let anything like this into my house but now I am more accepting of it. I need help to get around now so need to accept all these things to a/ remain in my house and b/ still be ''normal'' mummy for Chris. Its so important to him to see me in a good light. I feel so sad that cancer has made him grow up faster than I would have liked and realise how important to him it is to see me looking ok. I try and hide any pain or tiredness from him as he worrys about me too much. When i was poorly through chemo he found it so hard. Unfortunately the emotional help from his school just was not there and its only now -through things he drops into conversations that we realise how much my being ill affected him.
Thank good ness half term was straight after the show. Its now Wednesday and I am still completely shattered.So far this week we have done breakfast and cinema with my sister and my neice and lunch and cinema with my friends Jenny and Judith and their children. Enjoyed both days. Today is a lazy day-we have spent the morning watching Christophers baby video which brought back so many memories. Not sure what the rest of the week will hold but am trying to rest as much as I can before school restarts. I have never felt so tired as I do this week -pain not too bad but I keep nodding off to sleep everytime that I sit down. Hope I get over it soon!

Update

2009-02-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not posted for a while. Its been a very up and down time recently.
I am slowly coming to terms with the ''uncertainty'' of my scan results. I have spoken to the Hospice Dr and am trying to stay positive.
I met my new Macmillan nurse who is lovely. I was a bit nervous of going through my whole history with someone new but she put me at my ease and I think we are going to get on well. I think i went through a period of feeling very sorry for myself and am trying to move on with things
The occupational therapist came to see me at home. She was lovely and we basically reviewed the house together. I want to stay in our house as much as I can so we are looking at ways to adapt it to my needs. She has brough me a bath seat, cooking stool and a rail to help me in and out of bed.She is also going to arrange to have a seat put into my shower and rails on the stairs, by the front door and in both bathrooms. We are also looking at possibly getting a stair lift fitted.Everything will help.
I had devastating news last week. One of my close friends in the Operatic Society got rushed into hospital on the Tuesday with meningitis. Sadly she died only two days later. I was so upset -I had only spoken to her the day before so it was a huge shock. Carol was a wonderful person -warm, caring and always had a smile on her face. She was very supportive to me when I felt down and always had a joke or something funny to tell me which would always cheer me up. We worked very closely together on the executive committee and she was always willing to help out with anything that needed to be done. She always sat next to me at rehearsals and we would giggle our way through the evening. I shall miss her soo much. Both Gordon and myself went to her funeral last Friday and sung with the church choir. At times it was difficult to stop breaking down in tears but I tried really hard to sing for Carol. I am so sad she never got to perform in Gondoliers as she had a great love of Gilbert and Sullivan and was really looking forward to it. Carol - i will miss you so much but I know you will be smiling down on us xxx
Rehearsals for the show are going well -we have just one week till we opens. Its just a case of polishing bits and pieces, Learning the last bits of music and practising, practising, practising. We are all working very hard and hope that it will be a wonderful success.
I will try not to leave it too long before posting again!

Results

2009-01-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Well i have been to the Hospital today for the results of my scan
To be honest I don't know whether to be happy or not.
Scan shows still possible spread to chest and there is definately something there. The positive thing is that it is growing very slowly -only 1mm in three month so from 5mm to 6mm wide. Oncologist is very upbeat and positive and is going to monitor me every three months. She says she will not be worried until it gets bigger than 1cm which will then indicate an aggressive tumour.
So I am happy that I don't have to have any treatment for the time being but still feel like i am in limbo. I don't feel that I can move on but maybe it is just that I am feeling a little low. Gordon is over the moon and is so happy so why can't I be happy too?

ILL

2009-01-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well i was right. On Friday afternoon I went downhill so quickly. Everything that I either ate or drank from lunch time onwards I threw up.Felt rotten. I eventually fell asleep at 9pm and went into a really deep sleep for an hour and a half till 10.30pm. I managed to eat a slice of toast and keep it down but then struggled to sleep for the rest of the night. I had taken a sleeping pill but threw it up so wasn't able to take another one as I wasn't sure how much of the dose I had absorbed. It seemed every hour i woke up and tossed and turned. Wasn't sick in the night thank goodness.
This morning i managed to keep down a boiled egg and some soup so hopefully the sickness part is over and done with. My throat though feels like broken glass and I have an awful cough. Not great timing as have a four hour rehearsal tomorrow with the Operatic society. We are very short on top sopranos so need to be in top form. Have been drinking lots and taking lemsips and strepsils so hopefully that will be enough. Also dosed myself up with a lovely meal of lamb, mashed potato and thick gravy followed by homemade jam roly poly with custard. I love that kind of food especially when it is cold outside. Am going to bed early hopefully to get a good nights sleep and that i will feel better tomorrow

my dog Chloe

2009-01-09T01:54:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to post some pictures of my dog Chloe. She is 16 years old. She is a poodle/jack russell/corgi cross. We have had her since she was 4 years. We got her from a rescue centre. Unfortunately she was there because she had been treated badly by her previous owners. Its taken us many years of love and patience to gain her confidence. Shes an old lady now, shes slightly deaf, has cataracts in both eyes and is very arthritic. But despite all this she still bounds to see me when i get home and likes nothing more than following me round the house when i do my chores. She's a real madam -always wants her own way and no matter where we walk her she always knows her way home. She's gorgeous and these pictures show her on her new bed which she got for Christmas.

Tired and Scared

2009-01-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

I think the title of this post says it all. I feel totally exhausted this week . I don't have the energy to do anything so spending most of the time wrapped in a blanket either lying in bed or on the sofa. Woke up this morning with a throat that felt like broken glass. Looks like I am going down with the bug that everyone else has had. Finding it hard to swallow and coughing lots. Its very icy outside so walking Christopher to and from school is a huge effort for me. I so am frightened of falling over and hurting my hip. I am stuggling with my pain control at the moment. It seems once again to be out of control and what i am taking doesn't seem to be as effective as it was before Christmas. I have taken some more oramorph this morning which has made me a bit drowsy so will go to bed for a while, whilst Chris is at school.
I seem to be very close to tears most of the time. I am being very irritable and I know that I am very hard to live with at the moment. I seem to be flying off the handle constantly and picking fights with Gordon on the silliest little things. I think its because deep down I am so scared that its going to be bad news next week. In fact I am convinced it will be. I am so greatful that he is always there for me no matter what. Also my Mum, Dad and Sister. You guys are my rocks and the wind beneath my wings xxx

Leaking like a seive

2009-01-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yes thats right. My arm is offically a seive.
Usual nightmare Ct scan. Wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 4 hours before my scan. When I arrived a man in the waiting area was eating. It was awful, i was so hungry I wanted to rip the orange out of his hands and eat it. Managed to drink the disgusting barium liquid although it did make me quite queasy on an empty stomach
Had the usual problems finding a vein. After two attempts I insisted they bring a supervisor. By the time she came my arm was so cold. They filled a glove up with hot water and tried to warm my hand up. The supervisor took over and also had a go. Eventually she managed to find a vein in the back of my hand. Wow! blood went everywhere, all over the nurse and the floor. They flushed it several times to make sure it was ok and made me sit in the prep area rather than going back to the waiting room just in case it failed. I hate CT scans so much. You have to put your hands over your head. As i had my lymph nodes taken out of my left arm I find this really difficult and painful. So I had my left arm hurting from that and my right from the cannula. Then the flushing bit which always makes you feel like you have wet yourself. It feels so undignified as you really feel that you have. Eventually it was all over and done with and i was allowed take my multiple bandaged arm and go home to a much needed cup of tea. Now I have to wait till Thursday 15th for the results. I think its going to be a long long week.

Scared

2009-01-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

Well its the night before my scan. I am really scared at what it may find. Before christmas it didn't seem to bother me too much as i had christmas to concentrate on. But now thats all over the enormity of it all has come crashing back down on me. I am not looking forward to it. Ct scans are horrid.Due to budget cuts they have reduced the flavours of the barium drink to really horrid ones. I know for a fact that it will take at least four attempts for the staff to find a vein to inject into. I know i will end up arguing with them as they will insist on using my ''cancer'' arm even though we both know they shouldn't. I also hate the ''flushing'' bit at the end of the scan which makes you feel that you have wet yourself (the first time i had one noone told me this would happen and I actually thought that I had)Just an hour and a half of getting upset and stressed
Then having to wait a week for results.Don't know why but keep thinking that its going to be bad news. My scans always are. Just will have to keep busy at all times.
I shall miss having Chris around -he's back to school tomorrow. I have really enjoyed spending time with him -he's growing up so fast and I am so proud of the way he helps me out with jobs and takes care of me.
Will report back when i get back from the hospital -wish me luck please!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

A happy New Year to all my family and friends. I hope 2009 will be the year when we get what we deserve. For me its another year that I have lived to see. Another year spent with my precious family. Another year still fighting and beating cancer.
My hopes now that christmas is over is to have good news next week when I go for my scan. I hope that node in my chest is just a blip and nothing serious. We've had a year of ''almost'' normal life so all I am asking is for this to continue. Its not too much to ask.
Had a lovely New Years Eve. We went to my sisters for the evening. I was driving so stuck to Soft drinks but that was ok. Had a great time chatting with friends and playing wii music (best game ever!!). Once we had seen the new year in my brother in law put a fireworks display in the garden. A wonderful evening
Missed most of New Years day as I slept in till 12.45!! was shocked!!
Having a lazy day now. Gordon has made some bucks fizz and we are going to have roast duck in a port sauce with dauphinoise potatoes followed by Christophers superb trifle..yum yum!!
Hope everyone else is having a good day!!!

Julie

A time of reflection -to look forward..or back

2008-12-31T05:40:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas -was a bit like the feeding of the 5,000 at times as we seem to have had open house almost constantly since Christmas day. Got some wonderful presents and we all had a wonderful day. There wan't really day when we didn't have 7 or more people sitting round our table and I loved it. It felt like old times before all the gloom and depression started. It caught up with me yesterday though so ended up spending the day on my bed. It was as if once Christmas had passed the thought was ''what was all the fuss about and why did I get so stressed out about it?
And so to New Years Eve at last. When I look back on 2008 there were certainly some highs and lows but comparing it to 2007 definately more highs than lows. The fact that i wasnt having any treatment certainly helped and that I was in a better physical condition to cope with stuff. Could it be true? Have i finally reached the plateau on which I have been striving for? Am I starting to learn how to ''live with cancer'' I have certainly been a lot calmer recently and learning to live one day at a time. I am trying to stop feeling that I always have to be perfect. For example it doesnt matter if I take a bought pudding to a party. If it enables me to rest rather than tire myself out making something that is surely a good thing.One thing that I have learned is the value of friends and family. That just because I have cancer it doesn't make me less likeable or lovable. I am still the same person who likes having fun. And so I resolve for this coming year -whatever happens, good or bad to live one day at a time -the journey maybe a rocky one but I will carry on travelling it. There maybe times when I falter but i know there will be plenty of people to pick me up and guide me on my way.
Happy New Year to you all
xxx Julie

All ready for Christmas

2008-12-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

Well we are all ready for Christmas. All the cupboards are stuffed to the brim and the house is gleaming. Spent all day cleaning and we have braved the supermarkets and bought all that we need.
Yesterday we went carol singing with the Operatic society. We sung at a local nursing home, the local hospitals chapel and on the cancer ward at the hospital. I got really choked up when we went on to the ward as I haven't been there since I had chemotherpay. Lots of memories were flooding through my head and I did find it difficult to sing. Dinner at mums afterwards though cheered me up!
Had a bit of a row with Gordon this afternoon. He was working and I got a bit stressed out about getting the house cleaned. He said he wanted me to ask him for help. After a lot of tears from me I managed to make him understand that I find it hard to ask for help. I feel scared that the more that I let various jobs be done by others, the further along the road I am to always needing help. He understands though and I love him for it.
I don't know why but I seem convinced that this will be my last christmas. Maybe thats why I am getting so emotionally involved and building the whole event up to something so important to me. I so want it to go well and everyone have a wonderful day.I want the house to be perfect and for everyone to love their presents. I am cooking for 9 of us and we have said NO to turkey this year. Instead we are getting some lovely chickens from my local butchers and a piece of ham. I can't wait till the day itself comes. Its been so cold here recently I wonder if we will have snow?!!

What someone with cancer really wants from her friends and family

2008-12-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

I found this post the other day and it says a lot of what I went through last year and am still going through

I Could Get Hit by a Bus Too
by Susan Frisius

“You never know when you're going to die, after all, I could get hit by a bus."
Since I've never known anyone who has been hit by a bus, I don't understand why friends and acquaintances often say this when I first tell them I have breast cancer. Do they think the possibility of their being hit by a bus equals the possibility of my dying from cancer? Besides, I could get hit by a bus too.

"You're lucky you have a treatable disease."
Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful I wasn't told, "There's nothing we can do," but losing pieces of my body, having a radiation machine set off a nuclear war in my breast and getting my veins filled with toxic chemicals doesn't exactly make me feel lucky.

"You'll be fine because you have a great attitude."
If attitude really matters, why did I get cancer in the first place? Or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? Right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. So what does that mean?

"Don't worry, if your time's not up, it's not up."
If that's true, why did I bother with the surgery? Should I cancel the rest of my treatments? Do doctors perform surgery and give chemo and radiation for no good reason? After all, "if my time's up," treatments won't help.

"I've read that anger and stress lead to cancer."
Great! Now I caused my own cancer.

"You should simplify your life."
It's pretty simple now, all I seem to do is go to medical appointments.

"I've read that people can keep cancer from coming back by changing their diet. Maybe you should try to improve yours since it didn't keep you from getting cancer. That's why I watch everything I eat."
The person who tells me this knows I only eat natural foods, cook everything from scratch, don't eat junk foods and rarely eat meat. "You eat white pasta," she says when she sees my puzzled look. Of course, she eats white pasta too, but calls the flour "semolina." Does she really think if I had eaten pasta with "semolina" on the label I wouldn't now have cancer?

One person says, "If you really want to live, you will. Just never give up. When people give up, they die."
If I were hit and killed by a bus would she think I died because I gave up?

Another person tells me to visualize the cancer shrinking. She says, "If you really work at it, you can eliminate it."

Most conversations end with "call if you need anything." I don't have the energy to call anyone - I can hardly feed myself and get to my medical appointments.
Why do intelligent and sensitive people who care about me say such things? Can they really believe I'm responsible both for my cancer and the outcome of my treatments?
I think these people want to believe cancers are caused by a person's poor emotional state or diet. This lets them think they won't get cancer because they think they eat properly and handle their lives and emotions well. Unfortunately, it also makes them feel uncomfortable around me because they're afraid they'll find out their attitudes and diets are no better than mine. So I hear, "How can you be so cheerful?" and "All that yogurt can't be good for you," and "Put your daughters in foster care, they're too stressful for you."
I have no doubt that everyone I talked to about my cancer was concerned about me and wanted to help me keep a positive outlook. I'm sure they were sincere when they said, "I'd like to have you over for dinner sometime, but I know everything makes you sick," or "It's good to see you out grocery shopping, I was worried because I hadn't seen you for a while."
I'm sure friends would have been happy to help if I had called them and asked for assistance. Most likely they thought they were being considerate when they didn't visit or call "so I could rest." I think they just didn't know what to do or say.

So what would help me while I'm being treated for cancer?

Drop in or call. The only way you'll know what I need is if you keep in touch. Remember, if I'm out in the community, I'm well enough to be out. It's when you don't see me that I need your support.

Don't wait for me or my immediate family to ask you for help. It takes too much energy and I don't like admitting I can no longer cope with everyday living. When you want to help, don't ask what I need, just do it. Bring me a meal (white pasta is fine), wash my floors while I sleep, take my children to a movie, get the oil changed in my car, pick up a few vegetables for me at a farm stand, change a burned out light bulb, take my empty yogurt container off the coffee table and throw it out.

Don't minimize the illness that scrambles my life by telling me about simple causes and self cures. Everything I've held important has been touched by it - my ability to raise my children, my work, my independence, my social life.

Don't let your fear of hearing about cancer keep you away. While cancer has become a big part of my life, it's not my whole existence and I am able to converse on other subjects.

Remember my immediate family. My cancer affects them emotionally as much as it does me. My kids and parents need their friends' support now more than they ever did.

If I let you know your company is too much for me at the time, come back. If I don't answer the phone, call again. I need to know I can count on you because I'm temporarily unable to count on myself.

If you're feeling helpless because someone you know has cancer, don't. Take them a meal and eat it with them. Talk to them as you wash their dishes. Play a game with their kids so they can hear laughter. Pet their cat until it purrs. Bring over a book and read it to them. Both of you will feel better when you take action.

Well said Susan!

Been a hectic week -its the last week of school. ALso having to sort out replacement cards for the ones that were stolen. Got my big non perishable shop coming Saturday then its just the meat and vegetables to pick up. Spent the morning cleaning my grandads bungalow with my mum. He's in his late 80's and just can't do it any more. Thought we were both getting flu this week. Chris also was really sick Monday night but so far (touch wood) we are fine. Getting so excited. Really looking forward to Christmas so much. Scan is on 6th January so just not thinking past Christmas at the moment. Want it to be a good one!

Robbed

2008-12-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Have been having a really rough time recently. Not been well at all. I also am waiting to have a further ct scan to confirm whether my mets have spread. Currently have bone mets but last scan showed up a node in my chest. Having a scan early January to confirm/deny this. So its a really tense time in our house
We decided to get away from it all and go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend with Christophers godparents.
Well we were having a wonderful time going on rides, eating out in lovely restaurants. A real break from everything
But unfortunately I am not allowed to have a nice time anymore
On the Saturday evening some scum of the earth stole my purse and my sons wallet from my handbag. All my cards gone, our cash, driving licence, prescription exemption cert -ALL gone. Chris had his pocket money stolen -this is money which he had been saving for weeks to spend in the shopsplus money that his grandparents had given him to have a nice weekend
SPent the rest of the weekend searching, crying , asking people and of course having to cancel cards. The banks fouled up and cancelled all of our cards even Gordons. It was lucky we had friends with us who could lend us money as we were literally stranded with no money or any access to any
Have spent the day today running around sorting out the rest of cards, licence (off course a replacement one costs £17 with a credit/debit card -which I no longer have!!). Luckily we have some savings we can access with a passbook (card stolen) as we wont see any replacement ones before christmas
How can people do that to others? I feel violated by the whole thing that someone has access to my personal details (photocard driving licence has name/address/ dob on it)
I hope they get what they deserve -All this extra stress has not helped - I actually collapsed on the Saturday evening and even now feel rotten about it all. Have had migraine type headaches and stomach pains since Saturday and I know its because of the stress
All we wanted was a weekend away from all the stress and crap -why is this not possible for us. Its just not fair

BEWARE OF GLOW STICKS

2008-12-05T04:49:00.001-08:00

We had a HUGE scare last night. Chris came home from his cub carol service with a glow stick. Got him ready for bed, switched his light off and went and got into my bed as I was exhausted. All of a sudden Christopher started screaming ''mummy, mummy'. I have never heard him scream like that EVER
Rushed into his room. He had been playing with the glow stick in bed and it had split and squirted into his eye. Rushed him into the bathroom and just kept running water into his eye
He eventually stopped screaming and this morning is fine -no damage at all. Checked on the internet and the fluid is not toxic and will just irritate the eye a little.Took us a while to calm down though.
I keep hearing him scream for me though in my mind. Even though he is 9 next year he still wanted his mum when things are bad. It just worrys me that I don't know how long I'll be around to do that and be there for him

Sorry!

2008-11-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to apologise for not posting for ages!
I am ok just very very busy getting sorted out for Christmas. Also rehearsals for our new Show 'Gondoliers' is taking up most of my time (and getting me very very tired)
I am feeling good though -definately thinking positive. Am suffering with tiredness and exhaustion a lot so am in bed by 8pm most nights
Will hopefully post a longer message on the weekend
Best wishes to all of you who read here
xxx

Bath, Glasses and the weekend

2008-11-16T05:50:00.000-08:00

Am back from Bath with Gordon. We had a wonderful time. We arrived at 10 yesterday and luckily we were able to check into the hotel straight away. It was a great guesthouse -room was a bit small but it was clean, the bed was comfy and the ensuite was brand new. It was 5 mins walk from bath which was great.We decided first to go to the Theatre Royal to see what was on that evening and managed to get tickets for 42 nd street which was being performed by the Bath Light Opera company. Then we started our exploration of Bath First we went to The Pump room where we had hot chocolate and toasted bath buns. They gave us a table right at the front next to a three piece chamber orchestra that was playing wonderful music. It was like eating somewhere where you would imagine the people of Pride and Prejudice eating -so grand and elegant. Then we went into the roman baths which was fascintating and then round Bath Abbey. Lunch was at Sally Lunns which is the oldest house in Bath and we ate traditional Sally Lunn buns.I had a bowl of soup and a bun and Gordon had welsh rarebit on a sally lunn bun. We also ventured into the basement of the house to the kitchen museum and bought some sally lunns to take home, We then wandered around the shops and bought a present for Chris and also some christmas presents. We then went to the Museum of Costume. This was wonderful full of clothing from the past. Then back to the room as I was exhausted so needed to rest. On the way back to the hotel we walked through the botanic gardens and looked at the Royal Circus (a crescent of georgian houses). After a couple of hours rest i felt better so we went out for a wonderful 3 course meal. I had scallops with crisp bacon followed by a Loin of gloucester Old spot pork served with mashed potatoes, green beans, honey parsnips and a port jus. Pudding for me was passionfruit creme brulee. It was wonderful -beautifully cooked. Gordon had half a wood pigeon on a parsnip puree with a red wine dressing. His main course was wild boar sausages on a a honey and mustard champ. His pudding was apple and rhubarb crumble. We both had wine during the meal and coffee to finish. Delicious!. Then across to the theatre. We thoroughly enjoyed the show and the principles in particular where outstanding.
This morning we had a wonderful cooked breakfast before coming home. It was great to get away with Gordon. In our busy life we dont always have a lot of time to spend with each other so I enjoyed this the most. We had some lovely meals and enjoyed eploring a city that we both had never been to before. Its definately something that we need to do again.
Theres an hour to go before we pick up Chris from cub camp. I hope that he has had a nice time. I have missed him so much -when we dropped him off on friday i cried all the way home.Because I am at home so much we have got so close and I miss him so much when he is not around -the house seems so quiet and empty
He was upset before he went to cub camp. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed that he has been squinting to watch the television and complaining about headaches. I managed to get him an emergency appointment on friday and after a couple of tests the optician has said that he needs to wear glasses. He was upset and is worried about kids bullying him. I am upset for him too as I know how tough wearing glasses is especially for kids. I am glad its been sorted though as it will stop his headaches and in particular he will be able to see the board properly at school.
Off to collect him now -Can't wait to give him a big hug. I will report back later on how he has got on!

Been A while

2008-11-12T06:14:00.001-08:00

Haven't posted to the blog for over a week as I have been feeling poorly. I can't seem to shake off the flu like symptoms that I have. I am also not sleeping well -i rarely fall asleep before 2am these days. I am trying not to take too many sleeping tablets but sometimes I get so desperate for a nights sleep. Its like I can keep the demons away in the day time by keeping busy but once I close my eyes at night they come back to haunt me. I am trying all that I can to tire myself out -i have upped my walking to a mile a day, have cut out caffeine at least 2 hours before bed and try to relax but some nights nothing works. A few of my online friends are either very poorly or or suffering from treatment failures They have become great friends to me so hope they pull through
One thing that really brightened last week was the arrival of a massive hamper from my DOL friends. Packed full of wonderful goodies, it was a wonderful surprise.
We had friends over at the weekend for dinner. Have been enjoying cooking so made some wonderful curries from scratch. The smell was amazing!
Looking forward to this weekend. Christopher is going to cub camp. Its the first time that he has gone away on his own. He's stayed overnight with family and friends so he should be ok. Been busy labelling all his clothes, teaching him how to wash and dry up (its not something that we do as we have a dishwasher) and reminding him to change his underwear.He's going to be doing some exciting things like rifle shooting and archery so he is very excited. Can't help worrying though -he might be 8 and almost as tall as me but he's still my baby.
As he is going to be away all weekend, Gordon and I are going away for a romantic weekend. Its so important to put the effort into a relationship, for so long whilst i was ill our relationship seemed to be more patient and carer rather than husband and wife. So looking forward to spenging time with him. We have a nice hotel booked so can't wait. Think its important to get away with him and let him have a break. I appreciate his support and love so much that he deserves a treat (better dig out the sexy nighty -LOL!!!)Will let you know how it went when we get back

halloween costumes

2008-11-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Weekend

2008-11-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

Can't believe the weekend is here again -this week has flown by.
Last night was the Spooky Walk in aid of St Michaels hospice. The hospice has been really good to me -i go there once a week for complementary therapy which really relaxes and chills me out. I also go there to see the Dr as she is fantastic in breaking down my fears and sorting my head out. Its also the place where eventually I want to die so its in my best interests to raise as much money for it as I possibly can. The walk is a new idea for fundraising and was held in Basingstoke War memorial park. We got there at 6 and registered. At 6.30 the walk began. Of course we had forgotten to bring a torch so Christophers glow stick necklace and my neices pumpkin lamp came in handy as parts of the walk were very very dark. It was great -every so often along the walk there was a marshall with sweets to give to the children. There was also a story teller reading from Roald Dahls revolting rhymes.
I was really proud that the three of us got interviewed by the local paper as our costumes were so good! Photos will appear here shortly
Today has been a lazy day -i didn't even get dressed till noon -Mum and dad popped round to see us and we were still in bed. Am feeling very achy and in a bit of pain from last nights walk. Christopher is also not well -he has a temperature and a headache.
Was just sitting relaxing when the phone went -we had forgotten to go round to our friends for a dinner party...Oops!!!. Explained we were not well but felt awful for forgetting (not like me at all!!!). The day finished with watching a firework display from our bedroom window -why go out and pay for displays when you can watch at home for free!!. Now got to persuade Chris to go to bed -I hope he is feeling better in the morning

Half term

2008-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Wow what a busy week we have had so far!. Been having a lovely half term with Christopher
Monday we went to Portsmouth for the day with my neighbour and her little boy who is the same age as Chris. When we got there I couldn't believe the queues to get into the dockyard but soon got through. Chris and his mate loved running around HMS Warrior and HMS Victory. They also liked the audio commentary about the Mary Rose as they have recently been studying the Tudors at school. They finished up the day by going up a climbing wall. I was very tired when I got home. Chloe had been clipped whilst I was out and the lady had accidently clipped her ear so there was blood everywhere in the kitchen. Managed to get hold of her and pop a bandage round her head -she looks a bit mummified -perfect for halloween (although she doesn't think so).Watched some zombie big brother drama on the telly with Gordon and scared myself silly -I am a real wimp when it comes to tv!
Tuesday Chris went off to the zoo for the day with his nanny. He was so excited!!. I ran around getting some more christmas presents and got some rugs to cover up the iron mark (so cross!!!) Finished off by decorating the house for the halloween party
Wednesday we had an all day halloween party.Great excitement waking up and seeing the snow!! Christopher and my neighbours son Phillip invited 4 of theirfriends over from 10-4. We started off with carving pumpkins which the kids loved. We then moved on to craft making and they made dangling spiders, fridge magnets and halloween decorations. Then we went over to my neighbours house where we had laid a scavenger hunt in the garden. We had printed rhyming clues for the kids to solve and find 8 different things. Then we had lunch -pizza and hotdogs yum!!. Felt more fresh air was needed so took them first to one park so they could go on the scateboard and bmx rank and then over to another proper play park. They all had scooters so they enjoyed racing each other. Then back to the house for messy games. We did apple bobbing, doughnuts on a string, chocolate in flour and bugs and eyeballs in jelly. Gross but the kids loved it. We finished the party with a halloween film.(this also meant me and my neighbour could sit down and have a much needed cuppa!!) Kids really enjoyed themselves and I was so glad that Christopher was able to have something ''special'' -I think they will be talking about this party for quite some time!
Today I took Chris to yoga. I was really nervous about taking him but he was excellently behaved and did really well trying out all the exercises. Then lunch at Burger King as a reward and then we met up with friends to go to the cinema
When we got home we sorted out our halloween costumes for tomorrow nights spooky walk!
Have really enjoyed spending time with Christopher this week -he is growing up so fast which makes the time we have together so precious. He has been really good this week as well and we have had lots of hugs and quality time spent together

Halloween Fun!

2008-10-26T12:53:00.001-07:00

Weekend

2008-10-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

Not much to report -its been a quiet weekend catching up with chores. Yesterday I caught up with housework and cooked a lovely stuffed loin of pork with roast potatoes, parsnips, mashed swede and brussels. Yum! Served with my homemade apple mint jelly. We also went on a 2 hour walk around our village -poor Chloe(the dog) could hardly walk at the end of it. She's 16 years old and very arthritic
Gordon and Chris stayed up watching a film but I was tired so went to bed
Today we were supposed to go to Beaulieu with my family but weather was awful so we cancelled. Shame as I was looking forward to it. Had a lovely lay in and then we went out to do some more Christmas shopping.
In the afternoon Gordon and Christopher carved pumpkins whilst I did some ironing. So cross th0ugh -was obviously getting tired but silly me totally ignored the signs and I knocked the iron onto the carpet. So now we have a lovely iron mark on our loung carpet. Gordons had a go at trying to strim it but its still there. I am soooo cross
Had a curry fest for dinner -delicious!, Korma, Bhuna and masala with rice, naan, bhajis and pakoras. Washed down with lots of cobra!
Hope the weather is better tomorrow -need to get out with Christopher so he can burn off some of his excess energy!.
Now Back to scrubbing the carpet!

All about Nodes

2008-10-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

Been doing some research on nodes since my scan. Information for me throughout this journey has always been important - anything i am worried about or want to find out about -simple -I google it. So pay attention!!

According to Wikipedia :Lymph nodes are found throughout the body, and act as filters or traps for foreign particles and contain white blood cells. Thus they are important in the proper functioning of the immune system.
Lymph nodes also have clinical significance. They become inflamed or enlarged in various conditions, which may range from the trivial, such as a throat infection, to life-threatening conditions such as cancers

Still listening??. Now about size
Human lymph nodes are bean-shaped and range in size from a few millimeters to about 1-2 cm in their normal state.[1] They may become enlarged due to a tumor or infection. White blood cells are located within honeycomb structures of the lymph nodes. Lymph nodes are enlarged when the body is infected due to enhanced production of some cells and division of activated T and B cells. In some cases they may feel enlarged due to past infections; although one may be healthy, one may still feel them residually enlarged

Range in size from a few Millimeters!!! -So could my 5mm be nothing?. I am realistic to accept that this might not be the case but as always information for me is a comforting thing. And as people say thinking positive always helps!

Christopher broke up for half term today. Really looking forward to spending the next week doing lots of fun things. We have a couple of days out planned and a cinema trip. I am also hosting an all day halloween party for him and 5 of his friends. We will be pumpkin carving, making lots of crafts and having a scavenger hunt. Then on the actual day itself we will be doing a sponsored walk for St Michaels hospice. As its the place that I have chosen to be at the end of things, its in my best interest to raise as much money for it as possible.
Keeping busy helps -the Doctor at the hospice has encouraged me to look for new hobbies and things to do to fill my days. After all I can't go shopping every day!. I have yoga and amateur dramatics which I enjoy but need things to keep me off my feet. All suggestions welcome!

How do people cope?

2008-10-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

How do people cope when they are given the news that cancer has spread? that the treatment isn't working? Is it possible to carry on? to cope? to be the same person you were before cancer?
Once again another bad day. I woke up with a dreadful headache. Was violently sick so am ashamed to say I pushed Chris out of the front door and told him to go to my neighbours and ask to be taken to school. I climbed back into bed and slept till gone 12.Gordon came home early -his work are being good to him at the moment. He collected Chris from school for me. Headache has lasted all day and have also had several crying sessions.
On a positive note we went to the school today for Christophers parents evening. All his teachers have said how well he is doing despite how bad home life is at the moment. His reading age is well above his normal age and he is doing well in all his other subjects. Am very proud of him for doing so well when home is so unsettled -I guess I should follow his example

Ambers Birthday

2008-10-19T09:26:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to say again how much the comments that you are all leaving mean to me. I feel so honoured to have so much support from family and friends. Please keep them coming as they really help especially on my grey days
Today was my neice Ambers birthday party. My sister and brother in law put on a wonderful party -they hired a hall and all the kids came in fancy dress. It was great. Angelas brother in law is a magician so there was a magic show. I was really nervous about facing people but put my chin up, smiled and found that it was ok.
After the party the whole family went out for dinner. I had taken some really strong painkillers on an empty stomach so was feeling very queasy. Fortunately we were served quickly.
Its been a wonderful day. The lack of sleep though is really getting to me as I am totally exhausted. I had successfully weaned myself off my sleeping pills before this week but have needed to start taking them again otherwise my nights are just sheer hell.

Thankyou

2008-10-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

I just want to say a HUGE thankyou to all the messages of support from everyone. Gordon and I sat this morning reading them all. They really mean a lot to us and we are so grateful for all the good wishes thoughts and prayers. Its keeping us going during this awful waiting time
SO a big thankyou to:
Everyone who posts and reads my blog
Delia online pals
Facebook
BCPals
Breast Cancer care
My emails

Love Julie Gordon and Christopher

Trying to carry on

2008-10-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Still trying to pull myself together after last Thursdays bombshell. Friday was another bad day -just couldn't stop crying. I didnt sleep much Thursday night so felt awful all day. Was supposed to be going out Friday evening but couldn't face anyone. I alternate between sobbing and shedding silent tears. I am so frightened at what this might mean to me and my family. It's not fair -I keep thinking Why me? I don't want to die-I don't want to leave my family. I spoke to Christophers teacher so she was aware but again ended up breaking down. Once Chris got back from cubs last night we all snuggled down in our bed -I seem to want to keep as close as possible to Gordon and Chris and spend as much time as possible with them. I told Chris what had happened at the hospital -I can't pretend in front of him. He was very brave and good -his main worry was whether I would be able to let him have a halloween party!
Today we went out for the day as couldn't bare staying in and brooding. We went to Beaulieu which was wonderful -great memories of going there when I was a child. We then went into Lyndhurst for dinner. It was a lovely day
I will be going to bed early as tomorrow its my niece Ambers 3rd Birthday party. Am really looking forward to it but it will be hard facing people

I'm very very scared

2008-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

As I am typing this I can't stop crying. I am really scared. Went to the hospital today for results of CT scan. There are two oncologists at our hospital. One just monitors you and the other ALWAYS gives bad news. I knew things would be bad when the bad news onc walked in the room.
On the scan it is showing that i have a 5mm nodule on my chest wall. So it looks like its spread again. She did try and reassure me that ct scans pick up everything and that it could well be nothing.But of course i am now thinking the worse. They can't repeat scans too close together as you can't pick up on any changes. So next step is to repeat the CT scan to see if its still there. Thats going to be in January. So two months of sheer hell to get through
Very scared and VERY VERY Frightened -My heart is telling me its nothing but my head is telling me that its spread. I don't know what to do at the moment

update

2008-10-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while as I have been busy so need to get up to date!
Had a great girlie weekend in Spain -lots of sun, sea and sangria. The best day was when we went to the beach -a whole day on a lounger -bliss. No cooking -we ate out every night. Its definately something that we will do again!. There a couple of rather unflattering pictures of me in a swim suit -i'm not posting these here!!
Been a quiet time since we got back. Been feeling under the weather -very cold and shivery
Started my christmas shopping have got some presents so pleased about that. Been busy filling up my store cupboard: Made picallili, sour pickles, carrot chutney, tomato chutney, courgette chutney, pickled onions, pickled cabbage, blackberry jam, marrow jam, rhubarb jam, strawberry jam, plum and nectarine jam, apple and blackberry jam, 3 fruit marmalade and grapefuit and cranberry marmalade. Yummy! some will be presents for family, rest for us to eat.
We also made our christmas cake i read the recipe and Gordon and Christopher mixed!. A true family affair! xmas puddings next!!
Started a new project in the house. We are sorting out the dumping ground that is our study. We are clearing it out, getting rid of 2 out of 4 of the desks (if anyone wants some computer desks let me know!!). Then we are going to put in a sofa and a tv and make it our tv room.
The next project after that will be our lounge. I want to paint the fireplace wall purple but need to convince Gordon!!
Spent a wonderful day shopping with my sister Angela and my neice Amber. Can't wait till its Ambers birthday next weekend as have some great presents for her. Really enjoyed spending time with Angela -we haven't been too close in the past but recently have been building a new relationship with each other.Love you lots little sis!

Busy, Busy , Busy!

2008-09-20T10:46:00.001-07:00

Gosh this week has gone by so quick. Kept meaning to blog but haven't had the time
Been Busy with Music Rehearsals for Gondoliers - audition is next Tuesday so have got to practise. Only doing chorus but it will be fun. Had a girls night to sort out last minute stuff for Majorca -can't believe a week today i will be there. Bit worried about leaving Gordon and Chris - but have frozen lots of meals for them to choose from.
Friday my friend Caroline came over and took me out to lunch. We went to Overton which is the next village to ours. We had lunch in the Overton gallery -Homemade pate, salad and bread. Totally delicious. I then spent lots in the gallery shop. The shop is full of Emma Bridgewater china and accessories which i love. I also bought a lovely wooden box as I want to start making a memory box to leave for Christopher so that when I am no longer around he can look at it and remember me. I intend to fill it with stories, thoughts and photos so he will always know how much I love him
Today was nice. We went to Reading to see Karl who is my friend Andies eldest son. He had just moved into a house so went to check that he was ok. We then walked down to the Reading canal and had lunch in a pub.
On the way back we popped into Berry Brothers the wine warehouse. Was just going to have a look but ended up buying lots of wine!
Weather has been great this week - i have really enjoyed being out and about. Have a nice lazy day planned tomorrow as next week is even more hectic that this one -I don't have a evening free what with rehearsals, speeding course, Committee meetings. Going to Sing-a long a sound of music on Friday so have my nuns headress all ready. Then its off to spain on Saturday - Can't wait!

Feeling rough

2008-09-16T13:32:00.001-07:00

Been feeling rough this week. Sunday afternoon and evening I had really bad stomach cramps and then about 11pm i started getting hotter and hotter. Managed to get to the bathroom in time and was violently sick. Gordon was great passing me wipes and making me toast afterwards
Felt queasy the next morning and really tired.
Had to go to the lymphodema clinic -the nurses first words were ''You've put on weight''. Had a huge lecture about weight gain which I really didn't need to hear -i am trying to loose it!. She says the more i gain the less likely treatment will work for my lymphodema but it was the cancer treatment that made me put on weight in the first place!. The massage and compression bras are not working so the nurse wants to try Kinesio strapping. Basically my breast will be plastered with tape to force the fluid to drain. I hav to wear the strapping for 5 days at a time. Its a new proceedure for the clinic - the nurse said I would be the first. I was given a patch test and if ok am to go back on Thursday. I was hoping it would start to itch so I wouldn't have to have it but no such luck
Dashed back home for some lunch.Then back to the hospice for complementary therapy. I actually fell asleep which for me is most unusual. Must have been because i had such a disturbed night. Got another lecture about over doing things and cutting back on stress. She said that I must get people to do more things for me and not to cram too much into one day. Well i am not going to make Gordon start doing chores when he has just got in from work so guess I will have to try and spread jobs out over the week and see how i get on.
Very proud of Chris -he managed to cycle all the way to Beavers and back. Cross though as the leaders were '' too busy'' to test him. He's only got two more weeks left so they had better do it soon!
Feeling better today so me and my neighbour Judith went off to Ikea in Bristol for the day. Had a wonderful day. Got lots of bits for the kitchen and for Christophers room so very pleased. As always there was sooo much that I could have bought there! Car was full up to the roof.
Am very tired tonight but have an easy day planned for tomorrow

Another busy weekend

2008-09-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Another weekend has flown by. I never learn do I - constantly cramming things to do. Its been a good one though. Friday night I went to my friend Shelaghs house for dinner. It was lovely -we had Melon, followed by Bobooti. I have never eated this before - it was lovely -mince, tomatoes but also apricots and raisins. We finished with Lime torte, Tiramasu and cheese. It was mentioned that I was a bit quiet but think that was because I was several glasses of wine behind everyone else. I don't like to drink too much these days as I get quite sick as it doesn't work well with all my tablets. Gordon had all his friends round so I made Lemon Drizzle cake and brownies which was yummy!
Saturday we went round doing errands. I had to buy Christopher a cub jumper as he is moving up to cubs. We went and bought a new microwave, stuff to fix our PC which is broken and Lights for mine and Christophers bikes. We also ordered Christopher's Christmas present -a new bike. Am very excited about this. His current bike is really old as it was a hand me down from a friend so can't wait for him to get the new one. In the evening we went over to Jenny and Darrens house for dinner. They live in the village so we cycled there. Was very proud of Christopher -hes doing well with his bike riding. Another lovely evenung -I didnt drink too much as I was soo tired. Jenny cooked mexican and then we had a chocolate fountain for dessert which the kids loved. Was so tired when i got home -me and Gordon had a bit of an argument cycling home cos we were too tired so went straight to bed.
Today was a relaxing day at home. We had been invited out but i was getting concerned at how tired I was. I weeeded all my vegetable plot and Gordon cut the grass -the garden always looks great when this is done. I made blackberry and apple jam with the blackberries that Christopher and I had picked on Thursday. My neighbour gave me a lot of apples so some went into the jam. I also made some apple sauce. Christopher made apple crumble which he really enjoyed doing. I think that its so important for kids to learn to cook and to enjoy cooking. We had roast pork with all the trimmings and it was fantastic
Gordon took chris out for some more bike riding - Chris is hoping to pass his Bronze award at beavers tomorrow night so his challenge is to learn to ride his bigger bike. He came back all proud as he managed to ride to the local shop and back without stopping. He started cubs last Friday which he loves already and is also starting guitar lessons this week. Can't believe how tall he is now - my baby is growing up too fast!. Don't want to miss a second of it either!

Doing ok

2008-09-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'm doing ok!
Its nice to be able to type that. Been busy since the weekend doing housework and cooking - just enjoying being at home. I am still job hunting but haven't found anything that suits. Got the date through for my CT scan which is two weeks today so thats going to be a busy week for me. ALso got my speed awareness course coming up (I was a naughty girl and got caught speeding). Not looking forward to that -its four hours long!
I have had reflexology this week which always makes me relaxed - i had a new practitioner though who said '' you don't relax at all' to me at the end of the appointment. That puzzled me cos in my opinion I was!
We started rehearsals for our new show last night. It was great fun to meet up with everyone. The show we are doing is Gilbert and Sullivans 'The Gondoliers' I love singing G and S -its fun and challenging. I am only going to audition for the chorus as I don't feel it would be fair to go for a principal part as I cannot guarantee that my health would enable me to do the part. Even at rehearsals I often have to sit out and rest, But its my hobby and I love it so its worth being tired, I just have to manage my pain meds to enable me to take part

Lazy SUNDAY

2008-09-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

I must have been more tired than I thought from yesterday as didn't get out of bed till gone noon. Not done much today just sorted out clothes and pottered around. Gordon and Chris have been brilliant in helping out. Cooked a roast dinner and then we watched a film. Hip hurting quite a bit so need to take strongest pain killers. Been busy publishing pictures of yesterday -it was such a lovely day. Going to take some more morphine and go to bed early

more wedding pictures

2008-09-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

wedding pictures

2008-09-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Wedding

2008-09-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Wow -where has the week gone. Very tired and still suffering from jet lag. My body hasn't adjusted to the time clock so wide awake in the middle of the night and starving hungry at all the wrong times. Saw the consultant on Thursday -they are referring me for a ct scan as my cough still hasn't cleared up -its been three months now. Hate it especially as it means i can't sing without coughing. As we are starting rehearsals for our new show next week I need to get it sorted. Saw my lovely Dr at the hospice on Friday. I was concerned as I felt so tired but she said I should allow myself extra time to get over the jet lag. We also discussed ways to increase my self esteem and how I felt about myself. She is referring me for yoga classes and I also start my complementary therapy next week which will help.
Today was my sister in law Angela's wedding. I was really looking forward to it. I had bought a new dress in California in cream and black and sparkly sequinned shoes. I also had a beige cardigan and a lovely hair fascinator. It was the first time in 18 months that I actually felt that I looked good and was happy to have my photo taken. Gordon looked gorgeous in his suit and Christopher looked wonderful in a calvin Klein black suit and a black and white stripy shirt.
It was a shame that the weather couldn't have been better but the bride looked beautiful. All of Gordons family where there. It was lovely to see every dressed up especially all the ladies in their lovely frocks. Definately a day to remember. The reception was held at Angela and Jays house and was lovely. Had several glasses of champagne!
Finally left at 7pm and came home and had beans on toast!
Looking forward to a lovely relaxing day tomorrow and a lie in

Time to go home

2008-08-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

Just got back in from a wonderful weekend staying in San Francisco. Can't believe the amount of stuff we've managed to do!. We drove in on Saturday. First we went to Coit Tower which gave us fabulous views of the city. We then drove to the Presido to see Rodins Statue of the Thinker.
Then we drove into the city, going down Lombard Street (Crookedest street) and checked into our hotel which was on Fishermans Wharf so nice and central. For lunch we went to Boudins for Clam Chowder. I was really surprised and pleased that Christopher asked for chowder - and ate it all (he's definately my son!!). We then Rode on the cable car which is something I had always wanted to do. We walked back from Union square and had fish and chips and cocktails on Pier 39. We then went back to the hotel. I had intended to watch a film but only managed the beginning and the credits before falling asleep.
Up early this morning starting with a traditional american breakfast with pancakes and mimosas. We then went on a duck tour. This was a tour of the city by a car which converted into a boat to tour the bay. It was fantastic!! the best bit was when we launched into the water!.
We then went to the Buena Vista cafe which was where the first Irish coffee was made. I had a baileys coffee and Gordon had whiskey. We then went to Ghiradelli Square to see chocolate being made and had an icecream -yum yum!
We finished the day at the Exploratorium - a great place full of experiments which all the kids (and grown ups )loved
Back home -Gordon and Chris have gone to the cinema whilst I have finished our packing
Very sad to be going home -its been a wonderful three weeks. We have had lots of fun and are coming back well rested and relaxed. Watch out UK here we come!

Shopping - its what Americas best for!

2008-08-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

So tired this morning - could hardly stand up without pain and feeling tired and dizzy. Yesterday was a wonderful day - Andie and Phil invited their friends over for us to meet. We did a traditional roast beef and yorkshire pudding meal - Americans don't know what Yorkshire puddings are!!! followed by summer pudding and crumble. All delicious. Lovely to meet all of Andies new friends who I know will know be mine and Gordons. Have swapped Facebook addresses so will keep in touch. I wasnt very well for most of the day with an upset tummy. I hadnt slept well the previous night and battled against diarrohea all day plus throwing up. But managed to keep a happy face on for all. Was shattered by the time I got to bed though
Spent most of this morning resting and then Andie and I went shopping. I got some beautiful things t shirts, blouses and a wonderful green party dress. ALso got Christopher a school bag and some clothes. Had to buy a new suitcase- am starting to worry about fitting it all in! Am totally exhausted this evening so going to bed early. I can't believe we have only a week left -its going to be a busy one!!

Yosemite

2008-08-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

Back from a couple of wonderful days at Yosemite. We hired a cabin on the lake and have had a great time. Yosemite was such an awesome place to be. Its one of Californias National Parks. The combination of mountains and forests was amazing. Very proud of myself for coping as managed to hike to the waterfalls. Unfortunately they had dried up as it is summer but the kids enjoyed climbing up the rocks. Didn't see any bears but lots of birds and squirrels. Loads of deer as well around where we were staying
Today we spent most of the day on Pine Mountain Lake (where we stayed). Kids had a great time playing in the lake and on the beach. Back home now, very tired but very happy!!

Well rested and relaxed

2008-08-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

We've been here almost a week now. Weather is beautiful -105 degress most days. Haven't done hardly anything at all. Lots of resting , lounging about, going in the hot tub, watching movies and i feel great. Cough practically gone. This week has been just what I needed -getting away from it all. Slowly starting to plan our time - we are going wine tasting today round the vineyards. Tomorrow its off to Sausalito and Muir woods to see some Giant Redwoods. Then we are going to stay in Yosemite for a couple of nights to see what its like.
I've managed to do some shopping -Andie and I went to Macys and I got outfits for me, gordon and Christopher for his sisters wedding. Felt very glamorous when I tried the whole thing on - its not what I would have chosen but its given me a huge boost in self esteem which I definately need. Just trying to decide whether to wear a hat or not. Been taken to have my hair done this week so may wait and see.
So having a lovely time - and feeling great!

Sunny California

2008-08-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well here I am typing from Sunny California!
Flight was its usual endurance marathon. One of the stewardess spotted me in my lymphodema sleeve and started telling me about her cancer journey. Its interesting to compare treatments in different countries. Over here they seem very keen to do masectomies rather than Lumpectomies. They also tend to do chemo through hickman lines or porthcaths. She was very eager to show me her porth cath scar (in the middle of the plane!!!) and was confused when I didn't have one to show her back as my chemo was always through my veins.
Its lovely to be here with Andie and Phil and family. the weather is 105 degrees - so its taking a bit of time to adjust to it. We stayed up as long as we could last night to try and get into sync so by the time we went to bed we had been up for 25 hours
Think its going to take a couple of days to get my energy levels so lots of rest days planned
Off to see Mamma Mia tonight (Fourth time). Apparently the americans who go to see it don't sing?? well they are going to get a shock tonight!
Hope i don't fall asleep in the middle!
Its good to be here

I'm not scared of tomorrow anymore

2008-08-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely day at my sisters house. Gordon, my mum, Dad, brother in law Gareth, and my lovely grandad are building a playhouse for my niece. I stayed in and ''supervised" as I didn't want to risk getting a cold. Managed to finish holiday shopping -shoes for Christopher (groan) and stocked up on pet food for whilst we are away.

Still on a massive high from yesterday. It was so nice to talk with a member of the medical profession who was positive about my chance of survival. For once there was no negative talk -i.e you have secondary cancer and there is no cure. I feel that I have been given a really precious gift, something that I lost on May 31st last year. And do you know what that is?

It's HOPE!.

For the first time in over a year I am not scared of what tomorrow may bring.

I'm a Film Star / Bone scan results!

2008-08-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

my macmillan nurse had arranged for me to go to the local hospice today and meet the Pallative care Doctor. She thought it would be good for me to meet with her and have a 'getting to know you ' chat. When i turned up she explained that today they were making a film about the hospice and would I like to be filmed. Well no stopping me there! I was interviewed both by the Dr and the film guy on what I got out of the Hospice /how cancer has affected my life / and How I cope.
Was great fun to do -if it helps dispell the myth that hospices are just for old or the dying I am more than happy to do that. Camera man said he wished he could film me all day (blush!) cos I had no problems talking. So i'm a Film star!
Once he left I had a really good, long chat with the Doctor. Shes increased my pain medication and given me something else for my cough.. We talked about prognosis and she's really positive about my chances. Its such a relief to hear that from a Doctor. Not doom and gloom for a change!
She had managed to get my bone scan result and it was fine! No further spread so whatever is causing the rib pain -it sure isnt cancer!. The Doctor thinks that I have strained my ribs by coughing so much. Combined with rads trauma is the most likely explanation. I am sooo pleased and thrilled. Broke down in tears and gave her a big hug.
We talked about exercise, raising my energy levels and trying to loose weight. We've agreed to meet reguarly which is great news for me. So nice to find a dr who is so easy to chat to. My onc doesnt ever want to be bothered by emotions or tears she just deals in facts. I am pleased that I have someone else in the medical profession to talk to.
Very happy - will have a few glasses of wine tonight to celebrate. Can now go on holiday amd not worry. As long as I find time for a rest once a day I know that I am going to be fine

I'm not well!

2008-08-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

Cough has been getting worse and worse over this past week. When I am having a coughing fit I literally can't breathe which then makes me panic. Vicious circle really. Today I was coughing so much it was making me sick so spent most of the afternoon in the loo. Went back to the Dr's as now desperate for some help. Couldn't see my usual GP which started me panicking but it was ok. He was really nice. I explained that I was flying in a weeks time and didn't feel well enough to. He's given me a course of antibiotics (size of Bullets!), a nasal spray and an inhaler. So blasting this dratted cough on three counts - i just hope it works. I need my energy and strength back to pack and get everything sorted
Think I might be going through the menopause which isn't helping. Lots of hot flushes which are driving me mad. Quite sad to be going through it at 36 but there you go just something else I have got to deal with. Its a very emotional thing for me and another thing to be bitter about. Cancer has taken away my choice of having more children (we would have liked more).
Its a week till we fly - just hope i get better in time!

Saturday

2008-08-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Still haven't made my mind up about bone scan. Cough seems to be getting worse again so I am really fed up with it. I think I need to go back to the Doctor and talk to him. Rib pain no better either
Have had a lovely day though. Went to town this morning with Gordon and Christopher and managed to get some new clothes and shoes for holiday which was good. Glad to get it all done so i can take my time packing this week. We then went and had lunch in a lovely pub with Gordons dad and his step mother. Wonderful food - i had a steak which was fantastic followed by sticky toffee pudding - yum!. Gordon and Christopher both went for the bacon cheeseburger.
We then went to 'Balloons over Basingstoke' which was great. We watched a parachute display and then Christopher had a great time on the rides at the fairground -he kept wanting to go on all the fast ones!
Had to cut visit short as I got really tired and needed to come home and rest. Have done a bit of gardening and will be spending rest of the evening with my feet up watching the box.

Ups and Downs

2008-08-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Been a real week of ups and downs
Some of the ups:
Sorting things out with my sister. I have to be honest that me and my sister Angela have never been really close and things had got worse since my diagnose. We had both recognised though that things can't go on as they have been so have really made an effort to talk honestly with each other and sort things out. I am really happy about this as think we will really move on and start to enjoy being in each others company more. A lot of tears have been shed between us but i think we've made a real start now the ''air'' has been cleared and several misunderstandings have been explained.
Spending time with Christopher -we've done lots this week -been to the zoo, cinema, swimming, park, played mini golf and paddling in the paddling pool. Its been great. We are both a bit tired today so taking it easy
I went to see Mamma Mia with my mum and sister. Even better seeing it a second time round. I sang lots and lots. Can't wait to see it with Andie in California. We had a great family meal before the cinema at Nandos which was lovely.Also managed to get some clothes shopping with mum and angela -its funny when we all go for the same top in Red Herring!
I also managed a girls night with Angela and my friend Maggie which was nice. Haven't done that for a while. We drank lots of rose wine and caught up with whats been happening.
Downs:
My lovely Macmillan nurse is leaving which is really upsetting for me. Chris has been a huge support to me. I am hoping her replacement is as wonderful. I hope i will be able to stay in touch with Chris
I finally got my appointment through for my Bone scan. Its going to be next wednesday 6th at 9am. I am facing a huge dilemma here as to whether i want to push to get the results before I go on Holiday. I feel I want to know as otherwise I will spend three weeks worrying but what if its bad news? Then we will have three weeks of misery. I have got till Tuesday to decide when Chris comes back.
My health has been up and down this week. The heat is not helping. I had a really bad turn at the zoo on wednesday and we had to cut our visit short. I came home and went to bed for two hours. Still got the rib pain and the cough. Nothing seems to help. May ring for an appointment on Monday. Pain hasnt been too bad but I am really tired. Hopefully will get a lay in at the weekend -even Chris slept in till 10.30 today!
I feel I am making progress and feeling more on top of things. I am so grateful to all my family and friends who i know are supporting me 100%. I can't always name all of you but you are appreciated - so muc!!!.
P.S thanks Saffy for the gel saddle for my bike. When I opened the parcel I laughed and laughed. Maybe I'll be able to ride my bike more than once a week now without it being too painful to sit down afterwards!!

Feeling better

2008-07-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Feeling better and much more positive today. Still got the cough and pain but somehow able to cope with it more. Must be the happy pills starting to work.
First day of the school holidays today! Wonderful hot weather.
Managed to cycle to the shops and back with Christopher (first time either of us have been able to do this) Christophers bike riding is really coming along. Hes desperate to ride his bike to school so maybe in September we will be able to ride together. I was a bit wobbly but managed to do it -got a very bruised bottom now though as the saddle on my bike is very hard! - ouch!
Then spent the rest of the morning on a sun lounger enjoying the sun.
My GP came to see me at home and we had a good chat. He thinks the cough is an Upper respiratory infection which will get better by itself. He also said to ring him next week if I havent had my appointment through for the bone scan and he will chase it up. Determined to get it sorted before i go on holiday.
In the afternoon my mum came over and we all went swimming. Christopher is swimming like a little fish now. He 's dipping and diving under water and really doing well. Very proud of him!
Mum stayed for dinner -we had gorgeous shrimp linguine.
In all a lovely day was had by all - hope the rest of the school holidays are as good as today has been

Secondary Cancer Support Group

2008-07-23T12:50:00.001-07:00

Ever since I was diagnosed last year I have been asking and asking for Basingstoke Hospital to set up a support group for women who have secondary cancer. There is a very successful one for primary Breast cancer but it does not cater for us women who have secondaries as we want to talk about issues that women who have primary BC do not. Every time I mention the lack of support I am told 'what a great idea'
Well today saw the first meeting of Basingstoke's Secondary Breast cancer Support group! Hurray!. As usual I got myself all wound up and stressed out before going but plucked up my courage and went along. It wasnt quite what I had expected - only two patients attended along with two BC Nurses. Very intensive and full on questioning so left it feeling very drained and tired. I also feel relieved as its so good to talk to other people who are facing the same issues as I am. We talked about our families and friends, their reactions and also facing the future (or lack off). We even compared funeral plans! (yes I have written mine). The nurses are hopeful that more women will come along (some were on holiday)and say that this group will be whatever we want it to be. So I am now raising a large glass of wine and saying 'cheers' and 'best wishes' to the success of Basingstokes Secondary support group. Long may I be around to use it!

What do I do now?

2008-07-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well I spent a very long and tiring day at the hospital yesterday. First appointment was in the Lymphodema clinic. Good news there is that the lymphodema in my arm has decreased. We discussed ordering compression bras to help with the lymphodema in my breast as thats still the same. I then dashed into town to get Christophers school uniform. As usual the shop was sold out of most things so hopefully they will come in before I go on holiday (you'd think they would anticipate mums coming in and have plenty of stock!!)

Then back to see the consultant. She was running an hour late so sat and waited and waited. Finally got seen. I explained about the pain in my ribs and how bad it was. She said the best thing would be to go off for more xrays. So went and had those done -had xrays taken of my hip and ribs. Then went back to be seen again by the consultant. Xrays are all clear. Good news is that my hip was not damaged in any way by the fall downstairs at Mirjanas and that it has not deteriorated since February. Ribs also clear. She said she would arrange for me to have a bone scan to check further so I am hoping that the appointment will come through before we go away on holiday.
So yes its really good news that the xrays are clear but still no explanation as to why i am in so much pain. It really hurts to breathe and I can't lie on my side at all. My cough has got worse -i spent most of last night awake coughing. Also kept Gordon awake as well but as usual he's been so good. My BC Nurse is starting a new secondary cancer group tomorrow. I was looking forward to going but dont feel well enough to go. I'll have to start that in September. My Macmillan nurse thinks that I have a chest infection so am seeing the Doctor on Thursday.
Thank goodness its the last day of term tomorrow. Really looking forward to Christopher being off school and spending time with him. Also only 21 sleeps till we go on holiday. We are all looking forward to getting away from stress and pressure.

Feeling rough

2008-07-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling very rough today. I decided to take one of my new sleeping tablets last night. Nurse warned me it might make me feel rough and biy was she right. Feeling very queasy and not quite with it. Could really do with going back to bed for the rest of the afternoon and sleeping. Got to go to a BBQ at mum and dads this afternoon as they have friends staying the weekend. Still very nervous about meeting people and going out all but nurse says this is a symptom of depression and will pass eventually. Sky is clouding over and it looks like rain -just hope it holds off until we have eaten.

Update

2008-07-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

Well its been a long and tough week for me. Lots of ups and downs. A relief was that my bloods have come back normal so I am not aneamic. Nor is the calcium level in my blood high. So I am still no closer to finding out why i have this rib pain. Went back to see my own GP on Wednesday. He examined me. When he touched the place where i have the pain i nearly fell off the couch!. We have decided that the next step is to have a chest Xray so I spent most of Wednesday sat in x-ray. He also signed me off sick till the end of term which is a relief. A cheer up was Wednesday evening when I went to the cinema to see Mamma mia. There is a group of 6 of us who all have kids in the same year at school and we try and make the effort to go out once a month to cinema /restauarants/theatre -whatever takes our fancy!. We are all off to Spain at the end of September for a girls weekend and I can't wait!. We downed two jugs of Pimms in Lloyds and then went to the film. It was FANTASTIC -we all were singing away!
Chris, MyMacmillan nurse has been helping and supporting me. Shes also come up trumps and has got me an appointment with the consultant on Monday morning so thats another step forward!. I have also got an appointment with the lymphodema nurse on Monday which is good as its been quite bad.
Term is slowly coming to a close for Christopher. Today we had his sports day. It drizzled slightly but didn't stop all the kids having fun. Unfortunately no chairs were provided for the adults so my hip is really aching badly from having to stand for so long. This is something else i will need to talk to the consultant as the pain is definately worsening.
So I am ending this week definately more positive than the week before.Looking forward to a weekend of lots of sleep and rest. Am hoping to get to the Garden centre, visit my grandad and then we are going to Mum and Dads for a BBQ on Sunday.
Chris has only got three days more of school and then looking forward to a summer of fun! -Just wish the weather would clear up

The Visit to the Doctors

2008-07-11T08:19:00.001-07:00

Went to the Doctors this morning. I nearly changed my mind when I got there. Doctor was running 3/4 hour late and why oh why does the old man with the dodgy bowels always come and sit by me. I kept staring at the floor but no use. I had to sit and hear all about it including intimate details of his bowel movement at 4.15am this morning. Finally got to see the Doctor. Broke down and started crying as soon as I got in there so luckily Chris (macmillan nurse) had spoken to her and briefed her. She examined me especially where the pain is under my breast and checked my chest which is ok. She has given me different sleeping tablets to try as the ones I am currently on make me feel really sick in the morning. I am also going to start anti depressants again and see if they can give me the boost I am desperately needing. She took blood AND managed to get it first time. This is very unsual. My veins in my right arm are so bad it normally takes 4-5 attempts to get the blood. Got to wait now till Tuesday for the results. Depending on th results I may/may not be sent for a bone scan. There are still a few issues that i have to try and sort out. Pain control is one -i am very concerned about the high level of pain killing drugs that I am having to take. I am taking three different things for pain now so not happy about that. Also the lymphodema in my breast is causing me concern. I am supposed to do exercises to help this but the area around my scar is very painful so finding these hard to do.
Chris said she will still get me an appointment with the consultant and shes coming to see me again on Monday. Then on Wednesday I am going back to see the Doctor. Not going back to work till at least Thursday. The main request from both Chris and Doctor is that I have to rest. No running around/chores / nothing. Hopefully doing this ( I am sure it will drive me mad!!!) and some good nights sleep will start me back on the upward climb to being able to cope and deal with the whole situation.
Going to see Prince Caspian tonight with Gordon and Christopher. Then its the Big Brother eviction!!! Looking forward to those. Then a lazy weekend planned at home. Gordon may have to tie me to a chair to stop me doing things (lol) but will do my best to take it easy.

Tiredness

2008-07-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Have spent most of today sleeping. Gordon phoned work and said I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. Was hoping to get to the Doctors today but Chris had no luck getting me an appointment. Going tomorrow. Seeing a new Doctor as mine is on holiday so I am not looking forward to that. I just hope that Chris has the chance to chat to the Doctor to update her before I get there. Feeling very drained and tired. I went to bed after lunch and slept till Chris came home from school. Feel even more tired for doing that so not sure if it was the best thing. I think thats the major problem pulling me down is that I am so exhausted. It doesnt matter how much sleep I have in fact the more I have the worse I feel. Hoping to get a reason for the pain tomorrow and to talk to the Doctor about going back on the happy pills. I know I am not coping with everything and need a boost of something.

So Low

2008-07-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Things have been hard for me lately and I have found myself struggling to do even the simplest tasks. Am in a lot of pain from when i fell down the stairs in Holland. I also have a pain in my ribs which is being investigated. I find myself in tears over the silliest little thing. I am not sleeping and am totally exhausted. I used to feel so angry over the unfairness of my whole situation. Now I just feel so scared and frightened. I am not going to pretend - sometimes it would be so easy to empty my bottle of sleeping pills and then it would be over - thats how low i have got. But then I think how unfair that would be to Gordon who is, and always has been my rock. He really is a husband in a million -i could not have got through this past year without him. He constantly reminds me of our marriage vows 'in sickness and in health'. I am so lucky to have him by my side. Also Christopher. I owe it to him to keep going as at only 8 he needs his mummy so much. Hes grown up so much this past year and become so much more independent. I took what was left of my courage and got my Macmillan nurse Chris to come round and talk to me. Between us we have drawn up a plan to sort out my tiredness. She is also going to get me an appointment to see my GP and my consultant to find out what this pain in my ribs is. Both Chris and Anne (my BCN)have been really positive about what this pain could be. Its so hard to live like this though -every pain or ache I automatically think its a spread and then panic. Chris is going to call me tomorrow. I think its time to go back on my happy pills to try and give myself some support and to provide the tools so that i can start coping again. I don't think I will ever be able to accept the fact that I have this terminal disease but I guess I have to TRY and learn to live with it. I am not a quitter so hope all of the above will hopfully get me back on track

Fantastic school resport

2008-07-09T10:35:00.001-07:00

Understandably Chris has had quite a few problems in school this past year due to my illness. Was therefore thrilled to get his school report recently which is outstanding. He is really doing well and we are so proud of him.

Hello

2008-07-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first post. A very dear friend of mine recommended I try doing this. I hope that it will be helpful not just for me but for my friends and family who I know are having a hard time dealing with this whole c****y situation. I hope it will be theraputic for me and also keep everyone updated with situation. I want to start by Thanking a few people for their help this past year. Obviously Gordon and Chris who I love very much, My Mum and Dad (but especially Mum) for coming over and helping me out with chores and housework. My friends Caroline and Jenny for keeping my freezer stocked with food. My friends and neighbours Judith and Marcel for looking after Chris and taking him to school. Also thanks to Andie for encouraging me to blog! To everyone else not mentioned as there are a lot of you i post this poem which says what I often struggle to find the words to say

As I Look Back
Author Unknown
As I look back on my life
I find myself wondering.............
Did I remember to thank you
For all that you've done for me?
For all of the times you were by my side to help
me celebrate my successes and accept my defeats?
Or for teaching me the value of hard work, good judgement, courage and honesty?
I wonder if I thanked you for the simplest things..............
The laughter, smiles and quiet times we've shared?
If I've forgotten to express my gratitude for any of these things,
I am thanking you now
and I'm hoping that you've known all along how much you are loved and appreciated.

Love you all xxxxx